How Do Adults Make Friends?

As a 21-year-old student, I make my friends one way: being fucking hammered. When you’re packed into a run-down apartment the size of my dick with a hundred other drunk kids, it’s pretty easy to make friends. But what about when being such a belligerent alcoholic is no longer acceptable for my age? I know it’s possible to meet potential mates when I’ m older: at weddings, or at dinner with friends, or maybe in the supermarket shopping for fucking low-fat mayonnaise and bran cereal and whatever else boring shitty “adults” eat. But meeting women isn’t my future concern. My concern is meeting friends, or rather, bros. Say I spot a cool lookin’ dude at a bar. Maybe he has a Beavis and Butthead t-shirt, or really killer mutton chops. What next? Do I approach him and ask him to hang sometime? While I have no romantic intention, is there any way to go about this without coming across like I want to pound the shit out of them? Even trying to ask them to do something totally macho doesn’t work: “Hey bro, wanna go rock-climbing sometime?” I sound like a goddamn camp-counselor-cum-child-molester. But fuck, let’s say that it works. “Yeah dude, I love to climb rocks. You seem like a stellar man-friend.”

“Righteous! Anyway, I really need to go put my dick in some vagina right now, in case you were like, wondering if I like vagina, because I like, totally do. But anyway, what’s your number?” Or, you know how married people set up their single friends with one another? As if being thirty and alone isn’t obviously sad enough, your friends start pitching in, too. But instead, it’s not that you’re single, but that you have no friends. “Oh, you should meet my friend Peter. You and him would get along swimmingly!” This is fucking pathetic. Besides, I hate swimming. And what is it, a blind date? Do I pick him up? Do we make shitty, awkward small talk? I suppose I could treat it like a real date. Y’know, ask him a lot of questions and pretend to be more interested in the answers than I actually am. Or do we just kind of chill and not really talk a lot? I often see typical “masculine” dudes just like, standing around with each other, but not really talking. Is that normal? Fuck me, that sounds awkward. Well, wait, no. Not “fuck me” literally. I meant like, you know, figuratively. Goddamn it. What if I list myself as “Looking for Friendship” on Facebook?

I’m pretty sure OkCupid works for friends too, but that really is a new low. If meeting your significant other online is lame, I can’t imagine what the fuck people will think when you announce, “Oh I love the internet. I met my best friend on there. He listed ‘jerking off’ as one of his hobbies and I knew we were meant to be besties!” Guess I’m just stuck with my old high-school friends. Fuck.

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