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SELECTING THE RIGHT HOOK-UP FILM

One night stands are a mix of alcohol, flirting and dodging fat friends all in a quest to get into a girl’s panties. Once a guy has gotten a girl’s affection, most signal their intentions by asking if she wants to go back to his place to ‘watch a movie’. But rarely has it ever been asked “What is the best film for a one night stand?” Seriously, think about it. There are a million lists for date movies out there. But those films are about cuddling in a theater or on the couch at home. You don’t need to make the girl think you're some great sensitive or smart guy. You just have to put on a charade that this hook up is about more than sex. Until film students get over their pretentious dissertations on Marxism and mumblecore aesthetics, I’ve created the first usable list of hook ups films. First, comedy is the safest genre to go with. Comedy films are frivolous, entertaining, and you can pause the DVD when the mood is ready. But not all comedy works (ex. your boxed set of Jackass will net you exactly zero ass). Instead stick to what I call “Gonna Get You Some” sex comedies. These include the teen classics like Porky’s, Animal House, American Pie (but none of the sequels) and anything from Judd Apatow. These comedies will keep sex in the forefront, plus chicks dig the happy endings during a cuddle session.

The horror genre can work so long as you stick to campy horror. A classic like Evil Dead or a Friday The 13th can provide a mix of horny teenagers and scares that will have you both doing it like you are 17 again. Also, while your collection of Mystery Science Theater 3000 signals you’re a geek, but at least one that can make a girl laugh. If you have sci-fi or fantasy, make sure there is something eye candy in it for the chick. There must be roguish Han Solo or Westly to give her something to fantasize about instead of your pale, sweaty self. Unless you manage to pick up one of the few chicks at the sci-fi convention not paid to pitch something to virgin nerds, avoid Star Trek and Babylon 5. A surefire way to connect to connect with a chick is go retro. Pull out a DVD of some classic show or movie from your childhood- a good Pixar film like Toy Story or the DVD to a 90’s Nickelodeon show like Are You Afraid of the Dark? or a pre-SpongeBob Nicktoon. You’ll instantly create a shared connection, plus the TV shows are only a half-hour long so you save some time getting down to business. You may never again hear the opening theme to Rugrats without thinking of the blonde riding you reverse cowgirl, but in the end it’s worth the price, trust me.

If nothing else, at least avoid certain genres bound to leave you with blue balls. Heavy dramas and foreign films may work if you attend a film school, but your complete Criterion Collection won’t get you anywhere. Nothing kills the mood worse than contemplating the human condition or having to read subtitles. Unless the chick has some professor fetish, avoid documentaries. I’d warn you off anime, but anyone contemplating it at all will never be in danger of having a one night stand.

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