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HOMEMADE IPHONE APPS

The iPhone has many genius "Apps" – none of which require downloading or purchasing. For instance, the ability to play with the screen is worth the investment alone. Any antics you’re doing on your iPhone make you look incredibly important. All of the tapping and sliding on the screen adds an air of urgency and credibility one just doesn't get with a tiny keyboard. The iPhone purchase includes a Stereo Headset, which is a fancy term for “earbuds.” This is by far my favorite feature. With 2 earpieces, you appear to be on the phone from all angles. This helps eliminate unwanted contact with the outside world. Phone call or not, just pop in those suckers to avoid the following: fake charity solicitors in front of the grocery store, kiosk workers in the Glendale Galleria who either want to straighten your hair or show you a lavender pillow, and street petitioners who want to know if you have “a minute for the environment.” You could be on a phone call or listening to Bone Thugs-N-Harmony through the iPod feature or not listening to anything at all or eavesdropping on their conversation. It’s not for them to know. (Please note: headphones look much cooler than a tiny robot barnacle hanging off your ear. Yes, cords are annoying, but so are people who use their bluetooth anywhere but inside their car. Even then, it’s a little iffy.)

Last, the Tool/Old Man Repellent App is quite exciting. The only thing IT guys hate more than themselves is Apple Inc. They hate the idea that any schmo can be self-sufficient with a computer, especially a handheld one that’s easy to use and get repaired. Next time the office IT guy is giving you shit while “fixing” your inexplicably crashed motherboard, use the moment as an opportunity to explore the ring tone options for your iPhone. Remember, you’ll need to hear all of the choices several times at the highest volume to make an informed decision. Additionally, this thing is better than mace when it comes to escaping dirty old men. If some creepy old dude hits on you, just flash your iPhone, and tell him to put his email address in your contacts. Then, use the built-in camera to capture the horrified/confused look on his face, and text it to all of your friends. He won’t bother you again. Treo, Blackberry, and Sidekick, see you at The Crossroads.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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