Anyone who says they haven't had a sexual fantasy about the guys that hang out outside Home Depot is just lying. Cause seriously, I think you can pay those guys to do anything. Let's be honest…that could be SEXY. Not convinced? I’ll help you visualize. You pull into the parking lot. Instantly, your car is surrounded by a cabal of eager, sunkissed gentlemen each possessing a common element of HUNGER in his eyes. Hunger not just for money and perhaps food, but hunger for WORK. A pointed longing to see a job through ‘til the end. You bite your lip softly as you guide your car through their waving, insistent hands. Best to make them wait a bit. Everyone knows that anticipation can turn any pedestrian sexual encounter into the fuck of a lifetime. And you’ve got all Saturday. You stroll toward the store hearing four distinct whistles in response. Anything less than three and you’re not doing it right. Once inside, you purchase one (1) tape measure. Although you’ll be tempted, you’d do best to avoid the self checkout aisle. Those things never work.

Back in the parking lot, you lead a throng of them around back behind the fence surrounding the lumber yard. You remove the tape measure from your bag, and immediately they understand: each man unsheathes his cock for inspection. You use this opportunity not only to browse for ideal length and girth, but also as a cursory STD screening. At this point, language barriers are irrelevant. Once you choose your ideal candidates and hand them each ten dollars, they proceed to mount you right there in the shade of the potted palm trees (on sale for $29.99 apiece this week). You allow the others to watch for free. It’s the least you can do after the tape measure cut their egos in half. As your Home Depot studs pound you into a quivering oblivion, your mind already races to next Saturday. The cosmos-shattering orgasm you experience seconds later is brought on not by the three lumber-hard cocks pounding away at you, but by the delicious thought of the 49 other Los Angeles-area Home Depot stores that await you in the weekends to come. Just stay away from the Alhambra location. That’s my turf, bitch.

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