I’ve given up on flirting with girls in more appropriate social situations: bars, parties, funerals, that sort of thing, because there’s too much expectation and too much competition. The obvious alternative? Hitting on those who are required by their jobs to talk to you. It couldn’t be easier, right? Fuck. Grocery Store Cashiers The good news is that your cashier already knows you’re single based on your grocery haul of canned beans, frozen pizzas and six-dollar Merlot. The bad news is that you look like a fucking shmuck – especially when you bust out a pocketful of clipped coupons for the free pennysaver. Pro tip: pay with a credit card – it’ll be sure to impress the cashier, as she’s probably not legally eligible for one, yet. Sha-wing. Bank Tellers
Hitting on bank tellers is like trying to hit on your therapist: even if you act really smooth, they know you’ve got fucking problems. In fact, I’m pretty sure half of flirting with someone is projecting an air of confidence, which becomes difficult when your debt is glaring them in the face. Saving grace? They work for quotas in opening new accounts, and if you do so, they’ll give you their business card and phone-number. Cha-ching.
Clothing Salesperson Over time, people tend to try and mold their spouse to better fit their ideal partner: they force hygienic habits on them, they take away their friends, they destroy their passions, and yes, they dress them. Find a cute salesperson and outright admit: “I know nothing about anything and I need you to do everything for me.” They’ll have fun dressing you in clothing they love and you hate, all the while you’re secretly conditioning them for years of commanding life-destruction. Ba-bam. Restaurant Server Servers get hit on all the time, so there’s no point trying too hard during your meal. However, you’ve got one in: the tip. With this instant, it’s more than appropriate to bride your server into a date, so just go for; leave the kind of tip that says, “I will buy you anything you want for blowjays and making my ex jealous” along with your phone-number. What could go wrong? Fast-food employee If you actually want to fuck someone who makes eight bucks an hour to jam grease down obese people’s throats, then just tell them that:
“Despite the fact that you have perpetually greasy skin, smell like chicken nuggets and work with homeless people, all for less than welfare, I still want to have intercourse with you.” It’ll work. Trust me. Strippers Based on countless movies and T.V. shows, I suggest being the “awkward nerd” who was dragged to the stripclub without a say. You’ll stand out from the crowd, and hopefully the stripper will have a, “wow, that person is so genuine and real” moment and fall in love or something. Or just pay her to fuck you. Bartender Bartenders are the Zooey Deschanel of the service world: you will never fuck them.
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