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HILLARY: THE PSYCHO EX OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

It's 2:31 AM. The Democratic Party is sleeping peacefully when it hears its phone buzz on the night stand. It rolls over and sees "Hillary" on the caller ID. It pauses briefly, considering pushing "END" and not dealing with this shit tonight. The thought is appealing but the Democratic Party knows that if it doesn't take this call, another one is only minutes away. DEMS: ...Hello? Hillary: Hey baby. DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this. Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me. DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done. Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had? DEMS: To be honest, I started hanging out with you because Bill's pretty awesome. Hillary: But I'm just like Bill!

DEMS: No, you're not. Bill is charismatic, inspiring, and gets me really good weed. Hillary: Fuck you. You're elitist! DEMS: I'm going back to sleep. Hillary: No, no, wait. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Listen... there's still got to be a chance. Remember when people told George W it was all over. When the numbers were against him? DEMS: Yeah but... Hillary: Remember?! And remember how everyone said America didn't really want to be with George W? But they stuck it out anyway? DEMS: Yeah and they're really fucked up now, Hillary. Hillary: But WE'LL make it work. Forget Barack, baby. Just take me back and we can forget this ever happened. DEMS: Look, I think you're a really good Senator... let's just keep it that way, OK?

Hillary: ...I'll see you at the convention. DEMS: No! Hillary I told you... CLICK DEMS: Dammit. Crazy bitch.

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