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HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL

Okay, its four am and I can’t sleep. I turn on TruTV (formerly Court TV), hoping it’s something about prison. It’s not. Instead, I’m staring slack-jawed at the most appalling narrator: he’s sporting a really bad beige suit, a sad choice because the guy looks like he’s straining to break 5 ft tall. He’s struggling to make his voice deeper, which might seem to add gravitas but succeeds only in making him look more freakish! Bad lighting, weird angles, cheesy dialogue; it’s brutal. No question about it, this guy is a real tool! Then I begin to feel this creeping dread. Oh, shit! This unctuous, smarmy, insipid blowhard is my ex-boyfriend! It’s a sad fact of dating in LA, you never know if the “great guy” you hook up with today is going to turn out to be the mortifying freak on TV tomorrow. A few years ago, I met this guy. Smart, interesting, super sexy-ugly. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. He’s chubby but he’s so sweet, funny, quirky in a good way that he gets better looking the longer you know him. Plus, he’s just excellent in bed; that perfect blend of thoughtful and nasty and he worships your body and lets you know that he’s never been with anyone as hot as you. It’s love…sort of…

Back then; he was an “investigative journalist”. Sexy right? The months passed and I hardly noticed when he started to change. My passion for him had started to wane. I suppose I should have been concerned that he suddenly knew the names of studio executives and agents and that he rarely brought up anything outside of LA. But I’d moved on. It seems that he had contracted the “Hollywood disease”. It’s like a virus that feverishly warps the mind of even its most brilliant victim’s into believing that they too should be in “show biz”. A few years and a few boyfriends passed. Much has happened in that time but nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for this… Like a soldier in a foxhole in Falujah, I fell to my knees and said a prayer. Ladies, feel free to copy it, you may need it sooner than you think: “Please God, make the powers that be cancel this show before anyone I know sees i

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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