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GUITAR HERO: A PUBLIC SHAMING

After decades of being associated with tubby children and socially awkward shut-ins, gaming is finally becoming more acceptable. I don’t know if it's because more and more girls are playing, or because of the incredibly high quality of the movies based on games, but there’s been a lot of progress. I’m worried Guitar Hero: On Tour will destroy all of that. In the Guitar Hero games, you get to pretend to play guitar in a band that is incredibly popular, even though they seem to play only one cover song a night. You even get to hold a fake guitar while doing it. It’s a fun concept, but I think Activision may have taken the excitement of faux-rocking a little too far. Check out the trailer for the upcoming Guitar Hero game for Gameboy DS. Sure, people look a silly playing regular Guitar Hero, but they look silly in the privacy of their homes. On Tour demands you wave your hand frantically small grey box strapped to your hand while clacking buttons…in public.

And in the trailer, it seems like the kid has to blow on his DS when his “guitar” catches fire. Odds are you’ll have to blow on your DS periodically too, like an alcoholic who just got done ripping the court-ordered breathalyzer out of his car. It might be unfair, but the general population tends to have a negative view of people flailing around and blowing on electronics. If this game catches on, people might just go back to thinking that all gamers are spastic little weirdos. Even if you choose to play On Tour in private, it still looks like a good way to get carpal tunnel syndrome. When you finally sprain your wrist playing this game, save yourself some embarrassment and just pretend that you got hurt during a furious session of masturbating. Then there’s the way they set up the buttons. The vertically arrangement looks more like Accordion Hero to me. And no one ever, ever got laid for playing the accordion. Not even that guy from Arcade Fire.

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