You can't give money to every hobo you see on the street. It costs too much. But if you don't give any of them anything, you feel like an asshole, especially when you buy the new iphone even though you just bought the first one three months ago. So how do you choose which bums to give money to? Some use the judgment system, where you try to weed out the alcoholics from the Vietnam Vets and try to determine who deserves your money. Not me. Trying to tell who’s gonna use your dollar to buy a Big Mac and who’s gonna use it to buy a tall boy is a sucker’s game. As a liberal, I prefer to just use affirmative action. If you're a white man, you get nothing. You've had enough advantages. This is America. Any non-morbidly-obese white man can find a job. And morbidly obese homeless people get hungry and lose weight, so it’s kind of a self-regulating thing.
If you’re black, you get a dollar. Between slavery and Jim Crow, we owe black people big time. I believe in reparations. Unless you’re holding a funny sign. Then you get nothing. What is this, the laugh factory? You’re homeless. Look sad. If you’re Mexican, you get loose change. You were here first. I respect that. On the other hand, shouldn’t I at least get an orange or something? If you’re Asian- oh, who am I kidding, there are no Asian homeless people. If you’re a woman, and you’re standing, you get a dollar. Woman have gotten bum rap too, what with Hillary losing and all. Sitting, loose change. Woman with a child, you get nothing, because I know I’ll feel guilty by only giving you a dollar, so I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see you. Sorry!
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