Allow me to indulge in what is arguably one of my most immature discussions to date: the great “girls don’t fart” debate. This debate, of course, is not whether or not girls actually fart, but instead, whether it is to be openly acknowledged or hidden. The reason for hiding such a natural process comes from the expectation for women to be dainty and perfect, and the proceeding expectation from men that this is standard be lived up to. While the whole discussion is no doubt entirely inconsequential, for argument’s sake, I intend to take the matter seriously. It is my assertion that the sentiment “Girl’s Don’t Fart” need be done away with, not simply because it represents unfair standards placed upon women, but more so due to reasons perhaps not previously considered by proponents of such a sentiment. Firstly, it’s simply not true. Girls do farts. This is, unfortunate as it may be, an empirical fact. A big fear of girls farting is that it in turn suggests that girls poo. This too is an unfortunate reality. And as if these two shattering actualities are not enough, here’s a third: when you fuck girls in the ass, you sometimes get shit on your dick. No, unlike the porn stars you so lovingly fawn over, not every girl has had a firehose of mint-scented alcohol blasted up her butthole before you jam your dick into it. It’s tough, but that’s life.
Secondly, farting rules. If there’s anything sexist about predicating the notion that girls don’t blow ass, it isn’t that it promotes a culture with higher social expectations on women, it’s the mere act of denying them the pleasure that comes with unloading a massive Hiroshima during the end scene of The Notebook. Or swiftly abandoning a cramped bus-stop after laying waste to anyone nearby with a truly silent killer. Fart moments represent some of the high points of human existence, and its truly inhumane to suggest that over half of our population need disallow themselves such a privilege because of some inane anachronism. As a quick aside: Ira Glass suggested, and I agree, that farting in front of a loved one is entirely appropriate unless its under the covers. Yes, dutch ovens can be funny, but in all honesty, they’re just really gross. This may seem as a bizarre hitch in my perspective, but so be it. Thirdly, the perpetuation that girls don’t fart only further relegates farts into stigmatized territory. While I argue that flatulence can and should be used as humor, as a means to break tension, or even as a way to show someone you love them enough to let them breath in particles of your shit, I am still well aware of the stigma attached to doing so. And more so, I know that farting isn’t always to be relished and enjoyed, but instead can be a source of grave social anxiety.
There is, as we all know, nothing worse than attempting to enjoy yourself in a movie, a play, or even in a quiet and intimate restaurant, when you want nothing more than to unleash a pint of sulfurous gas into the atmosphere. Stigmatizing girl farts means stigmatizing farts, end of story. Lastly, if we’re going to have a fictitious phrase about things girls don’t do, I think there are far more ghastly feminine practices that are better relegated to the world of fantasy. Like how sometimes women have intense diarrhea while their menstrual cycle simultaneously excretes wasted reproductive material from their insides. Or how that drunk and slutty girl you made out with at the bar just might have blown some other dude earlier that day, and she has every right to have done so. Maybe she even forgot to brush her teeth. Or worst of all: she may say “it’s so big” to every single guy she sleeps with. If we’re going to discredit some unfortunate realities, let it be one of those.
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