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THINK YOU'REFUNNY?

GETTING LAID IS ABOUT TIMING

I’ll be the first to admit that guys are kind of screwed when it comes to hitting on girls. (Ok, probably like the millionth, but I’m the first person to do it on MadAtoms.) As a female, there’s a pretty good chance that, regardless of the dude in question’s relationship status or even sexual preference, any game we spit is going to be met with a lukewarm to jackpot! reception. Chicks, however, are nuts. Sometimes, we’re extremely flattered by your attentions. Other times, we get all feminist offended and figuratively kick you in the balls. Still, other times, we’ll go home with you. Here, I attempt to make sense of this craziness and help a few fellas out. I can’t guarantee these apply to every girl, but they do apply to me and at least four of my friends. Feel free to expand on these, ladies and gents: If I’m staring at you…Stay away. This means nothing. Watching people in bars is just what gals do. If I’m attracted to you, I’m probably putting extra effort into NOT staring at you. If I’m staring at you, you probably intrigue me from a sociological perspective so much that I don’t realize I’m being rude. I will be creeped the hell out if you talk to me. No one goes to the zoo to make friends.

If I’m obsessively checking my cell phone…I have someone on the brain. I don’t want to be obsessively checking my text messages to see if he’s tried to get in touch but – hey – here I am. I’d love to be distracted. There’s not a great chance I’ll go home with you, as I’m obviously hoping to go home with this other guy who isn’t even here, but I’d love to chat. Game on. If I ask you to buy me a drink…There’s a good chance you can take this one home, without any future lets-build-a-relationship consequences (or, uh, hope). I’m not worried about coming off as a gold digger tonight because A) I don’t really care what you think of me in the long term and B) I’m hoping for a clear indication of what you think of me in the short term. If I’m yelling “Wooo!” with a group of girlfriends…We’re out for attention, and I’d love it if you’d like to offer up some. However, you’d better sidle up with a friend. There’s nothing lamer than agirl who ditches girls’ night for some dude, so I’ll thwart your solo mission with a girl-power “plenty of men in the sea” brush off. Get reinforcements to chat up me and my friend, however, and I’m all yours.

If I’m gazing into coffeeshop space, absently tapping pen to notebook…It’s your (un)lucky day! I’m out of MadAtoms material, and up for anything.

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