Waking up in a pile of my own vomit? Sweet. Hooking up with an overweight troll with an unpleasant disposition? No sweat. Breaking my foot after jumping off a jungle gym designed for toddlers? Fuck yeah. But waking up and realizing I spent every last penny I had on a 12-pack of piss-tasting beer and as many Jager shots I could afford right before last call is not cool. If there’s a single downfall to being a total shitbag drinker, it’s the cost. Considering most everyone you hang out with barely likes you and only keeps you around to make themselves feel as if their lives are more meaningful, you may as well learn to exploit everyone around you for your own selfish, miserable benefit. Here’s to living life! Shop Cheap, Disguise Hard If you have to buy your own booze, it’s best to go the cheapest route. If you’re drinking it yourself, choke down Malt Liquor in 40-oz form. However, the key is to go to parties where people think they’re mature enough to share booze, those fuckers. Dig through a recycling bin for a fancy-looking empty bottle of wine. Go to one of those “fill-your-own-bottle” wine outlets for environmentally-conscious yuppie cockheads and cheap drunks like yourself, and fill your fancy bottle with pure piss. Bring it to the party and talk about the “nutty bouquet” or whatever. Then, grab some over-priced dark beer from the fridge and watch those smarmy buttholes go on about its “deep aroma.” Bam!Don’t Eat, Just Smoke Not only is food so expensive these days, it’s the number one thing preventing you from getting blasted enough to take a dump in a urinal. Instead, buy a pack of cheap smokes: they’ll stave off your hunger, and once you start drinking, give you that little head rush which is enough to push you over the edge. This also works in conjunction with the ever-trendy anorexic diet – just make sure to only drink vodka-waters to keep those calories at a minimum! Win Bets Here’s a good one: approach girls at the bar and offer them a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors where the loser buys the next round. This works as a good pick-up line as it draws them in and makes you look like an interesting motherfucker, and gives you 50% chance of getting a free drink. Sure, you’re probably supposed to offer to buy the next round win or lose, but bitches love equal rights and shit. Oh, and if you lose, just walk away. The worst they’ll do is toss their drink in your face, so make sure to open wide! Oh, and if you’re a girl, I guess this won’t work, but fuck you: just go sit at the bar and wait for some beefcaked fuckhead to buy you a million vodka-crans. Oh that reminds me, fellas: befriend a hot chick and get used to vodka-cranberries.Frequent Busy Bars Go to really crowded places with more than one bartender and lurk near the bar. Always look like you’ve already been served and waiting for a drink. Have a “tip” in your hand – which you never lay down – for extra convincing points. When a bartender puts a drink down, before the rightful owner gets it, confidently reach for it and nod all friendly-like to those around you. People don’t think twice, and most of the time, the people who paid are able to get another drink for free, not that you give a shit about that. This tactic also works really well at busy fast-food joints. Seriously.
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