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Funeral Drinking Games

For those of us who aren’t superstitious creepers who believe that the funeral marks a spiritual passing of the deceased into the arms of God, it’s understood that funerals aren’t actually for the person is the casket, but instead for the survivors. And while some may want to grieve, others share stories or reconnect with old family and friends, there are some of us that see the whole thing as one big fucking stain on our weekend. Well that stops here. Bring some booze and a buddy, and proceed get shit-faced while everyone else gets teary-eyed. Crocodile Tear Tournament. It seems everyone feels the need to outdo one another’s woes as if it signifies who loved the deceased the most. For every fake weep or unnecessary Kleenex withdrawal, take a shot. For every intentional self eye-jab or painfully obvious forced lower-lip quiver, take two. If anyone collapses to the floor and exclaims, “Why?!” finish your drink and follow it with, “WHY HAVE YOU FORESAKEN ME?” before launching into a dramatic a cappella rendition of System of a Down’s Chop Suey, because god dammit, that song really needs more funeral air-time. Touch My Body. While still possible, this game is far harder if the service isn’t an open-casket.

Functioning as a game of Horse, with a partner, take turns attempting to touch various parts of the corpse’s body. When one person is successful, the other must repeat it. Failure results in a shot. Genitals and internal orifices (mouth, ears, etc) count double. For the real adventurous: use something besides your hands to score points on the corpse – you know what I’m talking about. Twist Ending. When given the opportunity to stand up in front of the crowd and a share a personal story about the deceased, do so and begin an (ideally fictional) heartfelt tale. Near the end, casually meld your story into the lyrics of the theme song for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. For every second that you continue to cite the lyrics before getting ushered off stage, your friend must chug the equivalent. Beast mode: Immortal Technique’s Dance With The Devil instead. The Skeleton’s Skeletons. Each person makes up a secret about the deceased. Then, go off and mingle, each uncomfortably dropping their “secret” into the conversation in a way that suggests everyone is gossiping about it. Things like, “Murder-suicide is a hell of a way to go,” and, “It’s a shame they never found all that kiddie porn until after he died.” Most people will feel too uncomfortable to confront the subject, so long as you play it right.

Each time one player has the other player’s secret brought up to them by a stranger, they have to take a shot. Causing the deceased’s immediate family to hear the lie and burst into tears counts for triple points. Praise Jesus! During the ceremony, you must announce “Praise Jesus!” once every minute. So long as the crowd is semi-religious and you time it properly, it can be made to sound appropriate. For every minute you fail to exclaim it, take a drink. If others enthusiastically echo your cheer, you earn a safety for the next minute. If someone tells you to the shut the fuck up, finish your drink and start yelling, “Allahu Akbar!” instead. Note: If the funeral is predominantly Black, take a drink every time someone else praises Jesus instead. Prepare to get destroyed. The Enabler. Look out for old veterans, really emotionally distraught people, teenagers, obvious alcoholics and anyone else susceptible to coercion. Offer them a drink. For every person who accepts, take a shot with them. For every angry look received from their family and friends, take another shot. For every person who confesses this is their first drink in over six months, go get them totally shitfaced on your tab: if they’re going to fall off the wagon, they may as well do it in style.

Wayne’s World. Each person stands in opposite aisles of the church. As people pass by, bow your head and put your hands together in prayer form, both saying, “asphinctersayswhat?” as if it was some sort of blessing. Whoever gets more people to say, “what?” wins. This isn’t even a drinking game, but you’re probably wasted so it’ll be totally awesome anyway. Schwiiiing.

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