Americans get a bad rap for being brash, self-indulgent and fat. And while that fact can be confirmed by a quick trip to your Wetzel’s Pretzels, foreigners are just as annoying, and here’s why. 1. They’re always up in your shit. I know their countries are packed to the brim and they’re used to sleeping in drawers, but here in North America, we can afford to spread out a little bit. So there’s no need for me to feel their breath on the back of my neck when I’m waiting in line at Nordstrom Rack. 2. They’re racist. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s kinda racist to say an entire group of people is racist, but if you’ve ever been to Europe, you know it’s true. Some of the most racist jokes I’ve heard are from foreigners, and they don’t seem to understand your look of shock after they tell the joke. I went to a record store in Rome, and there was an entire section labeled “Black”. Now, I don’t think the word “Black” is any more offensive than “White”, but within this section was music that included every Black musician from Kanye West to Sammy Davis, Jr. 3. They take forever at everything. When I’m done eating, that means it’s time to go. But oh no, not for my foreign friends. It’s always, “Relax, why are you in such a hurry?” Maybe because this is America.
I have places to be and shit to Tweet; I don’t have time to sit around talking bullshit at California Pizza Kitchen. We’re all in a race to die, and I don’t need to be slowed down by my foreign friends seizing the day. Then there’s shopping. Whether they’re on their cell phones or just standing around trying to think of what time they should have their siestas or whatever, when I’m at the grocery store, the last place I want to be is at the goddamn grocery store. And when some French lady is texting in front of me, she’s getting in the way of my eating ice cream on the couch in my underwear time, and that’s just rude. 4. They make you pronounce their names in a language you don’t speak. Yeah, I know overseas your name is Moo-nica, but unless I’m speaking my entire conversation to you in your country’s language, I’m not saying it that way. When foreigners ask you to say your name differently than you normally say it, they’re basically forcing you to do an impression. When my Chinese grandma calls me “klis-ee-tun” I don’t correct her and say, “Excuse me? Hello, my name is Kristin.” Because that’s how she talks. When I go to Taco Bell, I don’t say, “yeah, I’d like to have one beef burrito” and then pronounce “burrito” with a Spanish accent. Why? Because I’m not speaking Spanish in the rest of the sentence. Don’t make me pronounce your shit.
So that’s about it. I guess I could go on but—yeah, actually I will. What’s with them complaining so much about the United States and getting away with it? When my foreign friends talk about how stupid Americans and the United States are, I’m usually like, “yeah, it’s true.” And it is, but why can’t I move to Greece and talk about how fucked up everything is? Because when I was there, I was solicited for sex by nearly every man I ran into. I was wearing everything short of a burqa, so I can only assume they’re asking every single woman they pass for vagina. And while we shouldn’t judge an entire people by a handful, foreigners should take the same view toward Americans. Then again, I guess the whole raping the rest of the world and pissing all over everything sort of gives them the right to bash the U.S. Ok, forget everything I just said. Except the walking slow part. Hurry the fuck up, foreigners.
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