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FIRST COMMENTERS ARE FIRST DOUCHEBAGS

If you've heard of this thing called "The Internet," then you've inevitably seen thousands of first comments on blogs, news articles, etc. that simply say "First!" No point, nothing to say on the matter, nothing. Just someone who feels immense pride in typing something in a box before anyone else. People wouldn't do this in the real world. You wouldn't see a guy go to McDonald's at 5:30 in the morning before anyone else, get to the counter and when the cashier asks what he wants, he just says "First!" and leaves. And you wouldn't see a guy who only dates girls who are virgins, then when he has sex with the girl he penetrates her one time (just one dip), says "First!" and leaves. Yet, on the internet, the epidemic continues. So how can we stop this? A good start is to remind these people how incredibly lame they are. Let them know that typing "First!" will not suddenly fulfill their lifelong quest to have a girlfriend. In fact, women think "First" commenters are even less sexy than a guy who writes a mildly amusing comedy blog for a website. And believe me, that's saying something. However, more drastic measures are needed. I'm not computer-savvy, but I'm sure someone can come up with a program that identifies whenever "first" is the only word in a comment.

So whenever that's the case, the program should automatically add to the comment the words "of all, I'm a huge douchebag. Second of all, seriously, I'm just a huge fucking douchebag without any real purpose in life. Third of all, see items one and two." If that fails, there's one final course of action. I'm not sure, but there's probably a way to analyze the comment to figure out exactly what computer it was typed from, and then actually track down the person who made the comment. Once you find the person, punch him in the testicles, shout "First!" and then leave. Then have someone else go up to the person, bite his nose off, shout "First!" and then leave. Continue inflicting physical pain or shoving objects into various orifices until you're convinced he's learned his lesson. Only then can we make the internet an incredibly minuscule less annoying place. [Editors Note: or you can just implement a basic comment rating system like we have / Reddit / Digg has and it'll get down voted to the bottom. However, assault and potential murder seems a bit more fun.]

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