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FIGHTS WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND

Most all of us do this one really, incredibly stupid thing at some point in our lives. There comes a time when, against all better judgment, we decide to sacrifice freedom, hope, and—eventually—happiness and live with a significant other. Once this happens, a myriad of problems arise. She finds your bizarre porn collection, you find out she has to Nair her boobs, she gets mad and makes you use a napkin to pick your nose instead of flinging your boogers onto the bathroom door, etc. But there’s one small problem that trumps all of that. It’s a terrible, horrific occurrence. Menstruation. It’s not easy for either party. Hormones are out of whack, you run the risk of having a “lady oops” on the bed sheets. Totally unsavory. And if that’s not enough of a boner kill, on top of it all, there’s the incessant arguing. No one really takes period arguing seriously. That’s why, for men, it becomes so puzzling that days after the period, the argument is still on. So here are a few common PMS-induced arguments and how you can decide whether it’s her period talking, or if you are, indeed, a gigantic asshole... “You never take me out.” So let’s determine what never is. A few weeks? No big deal. A few months, you might be kind of an ass.

And if your idea of “out” is smoking a bowl together, hitting up a Mexican buffet, then hanging out at your buddy’s house so she can watch you “jam-out” before he falls asleep and you ask her to sneak to his bathroom for a BJ/HJ/ZJ, then it might be you. “The house is a fucking mess! You don’t do anything!” Most of the time, this one is going to be on her. I mean, you have to live in the squalor, too, so she shouldn’t be complaining. If her standards require using clean towels and not having a constant poop smell lingering from the bathroom, then she should take care of it. What are you, uptight? Bonus points if you’ve so much as glanced at the chore chart she hung on the fridge. However, if you’ve been featured on A&E’s Hoarders due to your overwhelming taxidermy collection, which you are aggressively protective of, it could be you. It’s not kitschy. It’s just weird. “You spend too much time with your friends!” If the last time you saw your friends was the lame Ethiopian-themed dinner party you were forced to throw, then it’s definitely the PMS talking. But if most of your friends are women you pay to fellate you, then yeah, it’s you. “You spend too much of our money!” Let’s take a look at how you guys are spending your income.

Did most of your salary go toward funding the eBay store she uses to sell her homemade scarves? Then it’s probably her. And if you combine your salaries and your income is split 50/50, it’s totally her. But if you’re unemployed, living off her salary, and ask her to put 10% aside for your “titty bar fund”, it’s you. “Stop looking at other women!” If looking is TiVo-ing the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, no big deal. She’ll get over it. If looking involves a telescope, camera feed, video blog, and Google AdSense account, it’s totally you, you sick fuck.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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