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On a recent trip to one of those restaurants that provides socially starved 9-5ers a reusable party backdrop that they might consume wacky fried foods and overpriced liquor, I witnessed what I understand to be a growing phenomenon among the Internet generation: affected photo opportunities. Four dolled up office workers, in their flashiest halter-tops, ready to get “Mojito crazy” just like the Sex in the City gals. Nothing says “wild time” like sitting elbow to elbow with your coworkers behind a pizza sized nacho platter. The ladies sat silent and dead-eyed picking through swiftly congealed cheese flaps, relatively disinterested in each other, and what appeared to be existence itself. Upon margarita arrival, an overactive Asian clapped her chubby hands excitedly and produced a pink Panasonic. The technology was “cute.” They slovenly coerced a disinterested waiter into capturing the moment-to-be, then bunched up together and contorted their faces into excited, crazy-eye and mouth combinations like human puppets whose strings were being pulled by the need to appear entertained/entertaining. The following moments were spent viewing the manufactured activity they had just frozen mere seconds ago. Again, nothing says “girls night out” like wiping guacamole off your mani’ to view an extremely recent self portrait. More tableaus ensued, and I soon marveled at this lot’s ability to reduce social interaction to a pose, a place, and a picture.

on: It is this writer’s hunch that 81 percent ( -/+ 1) of Facebook photos are concocted in the same fashion as described above. In the interest of Truth, I implore contemporary whiz-heads to create a program that displays the real spirit of every social portrait depicted on Facebook. If these snapshots were remotely accurate there’d be less puckered party lips, and more pics resembling those daguerreotypes of dead families from back in Victorian days. Until such an application exists, you can find this Facebook member at local picturesque hot spots, holding just still enough to look like a cool guy later on, when I update my profile wearing underwear and a pot-frown haloed in Dorito crumbs.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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