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Everyday Sex Acts

We’re all familiar with the list of questionable and sometimes unhygienic sex moves invented by frat house luminaries. The Angry Pirate, the Dirty Sanchez, the Houdini: we laugh at the idea of them, safe in the certainty that no one really does them. But what about the lesser-known, more often practiced but less often recognized sex acts that many of us use every day? (Fine, maybe not every day. Once a week? Is that normal? I’m never sure about these things.) The Rubber Sprint – Open a condom. No, from the other side. The OTHER side. You dropped it. Pick it up and tear the corner. A bigger tear. Fine, try to get it out of that tiny hole you made. You dropped it again. Forget it. It’s too late. Apologize. Apologize harder. The Oscar Winner – This is going very badly. But you love his mother and get along well with his sister. He’s friends with your friends. What is he doing now? That feels awkward. Breathe and say “ooohh” or something. Tell him that’s the spot. You’ve already booked tickets for Cabo in the fall and you can’t get a refund now. He’s trying some ridiculous move he thinks is really great. Fake an orgasm. Check your phone for cute bikinis to buy. The Con Man – That was fast, even for you. You don’t think she noticed. You can keep going. Concentrate.

She asks if anything’s wrong. Don’t say anything. When you can’t fool her anymore, jump up and say you hear the doorbell. Answer the door and pretend to have a conversation with a Jehovah’s Witness. The Porn Rookie – This is how I’ve been led to believe it should go. Yet she doesn’t seem to be liking it. I think that going harder and faster will make a big difference here. Okay, I think that made things worse. That is not the face of someone who is enjoying herself. I’m sure she’d feel better if I called her some awful names. And that didn’t work at all. She’s leaving. Maybe to bring in one of her friends? Probably. The Boozy Teacups – Oh man I feel very the worst I don’t know if I can do this who took my pants my phone is in there my shoes are still on this is not a good look WHO IS THAT oh it’s her she took HER shoes off and the rest of her clothes things are spinning pretty quick I going to hold onto something that’s a breast I’m going to throw up I threw up apologize throw up again forget about your stupid pants and leave. The Great Dictator – Put your hands up here. Don’t look at my breasts. Look me in the eyes. Faster. Grab my butt. Call me by your mother’s name. Stop crying. Slower. Pull your own hair. I said stop crying. Get out.

The Solo Steam – Just get this over with quickly before someone else comes into the sauna.

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