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ENDANGERED SPECIES BESTIALITY SMUT

The Internet age has given way to all sorts of free-range pixel-smut. Anonymity allows freaky users to sexually explore the information fetish highway without fear of judgment or payment, and I should know. I’m an e-freak of the nastiest strand! What can I say? If my walls could talk, they would probably vomit and seek religion, having witnessed the self-business that I conduct in my low-quarters on the regular. It’s a very exciting time for pornography! Envelopes have been pushed, sacks ingested, and taboos normalized all thanks to the demystification of previously shunned sex acts. Back in the day, all a private John needed to drop nut was a daguerreotype of an expressionless Spanish whore. But in an age of the wireless and tireless, flexing seed demands a thing like a bleary-eyed redhead wholly engulfing bowling balls with her seemingly autonomous south-mouth, like she’s got Little Shop of Horrors doing a sold out run between her thighs (Feed me!) Common men may shudder, ball out, or both, but eventually the common wares of the red light dot-com district get older than that leather-bag GGGILF (Great-great-grandmothers I’d…etc.)

So I thought, until one day I was surfing the Russian part of the internet, and stumbled upon some junk so nasty, all my brain synapses stopped firing in unison and paid attention to my screen like a bunch of factory workers getting liberated from the shackles of industry. The page read: Endangered Zoophiliacs, or in other words, people who like to bang endangered animals. Mad nasty. Giant Panda three ways, Buffy-tufted Marmoset deep throat, hairy-eared dwarf lemur daisy chains, and an entire page dedicated to finger-banging the moapa pebble snail. I feel like I was being watched, because the site crashed, about 15 minutes into sexploration (a term I don’t use lightly), and I’ve not been able to access it since. At the time I was watching footage of Fatty Arbuckle beak-screwing the last living dodo (scientists originally held the rare bird to be extinct in 1681, but this grainy, monochrome footage suggests otherwise). The unlucky squawker was wearing a special bird-sized blonde wig, feather clamps, and a distant despair in its beady little eyes.

Was it a dream, or a nightmare? Did I really see a wealthy sheik fisting a sawback angel shark, while simultaneously fellating a Hispaniolan Ditch Frog? Every onanist worth his weight in balls one day discovers that subject he will never use to erotically gratify himself (previously, I thought mine was exclusively Simpson’s porn). I feel I have found mine, and I am proud to say that today, the only animal I consistently beat off to, is the most dangerous animal of all: man.

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