For those of you who immediately said to yourselves, “Duh! Fucking is most important, you d-bag” – slow your roll. It’s not that easy of a question, as eating, sleeping and fucking are all kick ass in their own special way. So chill for a moment and think it through. Sleep is great because it’s easy to do and free of charge. Food is great because it’s fun, social and offers a wide variety. And fucking is great because it’s…well…fucking. Let’s break it down, shall we: EATING When I’m really fucking hungry I am really pissed off. I’ve been so hungry at times that I’ve wanted to kill someone – that’s how important food can be. That is not hyperbole. I have literally been stuck in LA traffic and so “food cranky” that I almost wish that someone would cut me off just so I could get out of my car and bludgeon them. I can’t say I feel the same from lack of sex or lack of sleep. When I’m really tired, I’m just kind of loopy and stupid (I’m sorry, I mean more loopy and more stupid than usual). And when I’m not getting any sex – I’m just plain sad.

SLEEPING Now, many of you may think that sleep is dead last. But think about it and be honest with yourselves. All of you at one point have said, “I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to fuck – I’m so tired all I want to do is sleep.” Admit it, you’ve all done that. We all want to believe that we can shake off being sleepy, but sometimes nothing is better than a comfy bed…followed by a turkey sandwich…and then a hand job. And put this into the equation: Being sick with the flu and eating? Impossible. Being sick with the flu and fucking? Unpleasant. Being sick with the flu and sleeping? Priceless. FUCKING Now I’ve never stopped fucking so I could eat but I did once give my college roommate my just bought, double cheese and pepperoni pizza if he would leave our dorm room so I could have sex with a drunk girl who suddenly stopped by (and I was really hungry). In full disclosure, the sex wasn’t that great and afterwards when she wouldn’t leave all I kept thinking about was, “Goddamn! I still wish I had that fucking pizza!”

And I’ve never called my buddies after a great nap or a particularly good chicken parm sandwich, but I have called them after I’ve had an awesome lay (and then had them call everyone they knew to tell them about it). So, ultimately, one isn’t necessarily better than the other. Which one is most important really depends on the set of circumstances. They’re maybe times where one outweighs the other two (going through starvation and sleep deprivation for the chance to bang Jessica Biel) and there maybe even times where two gang up on one (consuming homemade chocolate chip cookies and passing out instead of having sex with any one of the women on “The View”). Maybe eating sleeping and fucking are of exact equal importance. Because when you really, really think about it, there is probably only one thing better than all three: TV. Nothing beats TV.

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