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THINK YOU'REFUNNY?

DON’T TRUST THE NATIVES

I don't care how cute he is. Or how not fat he makes you feel. I don't care if she's got the biggest tits you've ever seen and likes to suck things. If you ask "Are you from LA originally?", and they say "Yes": Get the fuck out of there. Let's get the most obvious reason right out here on the table: No matter what temperature it is outside, they won't appreciate it. They will say it's cold when they don't know the meaning of winter and they will say it's hot when they have never felt the horrible soul-crushing suffering of true humidity. This will be a slow burn. It seems tolerable at first; laughable even. But in 6 months, when they say something about snow being "cute", you will realize you want them to get skin cancer. Secondly, the Los Angeles County education system is abysmal. This means they either a.) are stupid or b.) went to private school. Neither of these makes for a desirable mate. Furthermore, if they did go to public school and they are still intelligent, it means they're ambitious and too good for you. You don't need that bullshit. Thirdly, any person born in LA has no concept of reality. We may all have moved here for stupid reasons (every. last. one of us.) but at least we know we're crazy.

Native Angeleno's are like homeless people that think they live in mansions. If this relationship goes anywhere, you're going to spend the rest of your life explaining to them that sunshine isn't free and not all people want to be looked at all day. Which leads me to my penultimate point: if they still live where they grew up, it means they aren't escaping anything. Nothing at all. Content. Who wants to date someone that's happy? I'd rather die. Think of all the people that stayed in your hometown. What do you call them? You call them Townies. And lastly and most importantly: They LIKE their family. Otherwise, they would have taken the first train leaving the station. Do you want to spend holidays with their family saying "Please" and "Thank You"? No, you don't. You want to go to "orphan" Thanksgiving and get drunk with your friends just like everyone else. What's worse is that not only have they robbed themselves of an excuse not to see their family on holidays, but they probably hang out with them on normal days too. You'll have to look your girlfriend's dad in the face and say "Bye, see you next week!" Save yourself the agony. This is not the life for you.

When they say "Yeah, Los Angeles, born and raised", you just say "Where's the bathroom?" and you find someone else with an oral fixation and rose-colored glasses. Although, it could be worse, they could be from Manhattan. [Editor's note: Fuck you. Go back to Boston]

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