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DON’T TRUST JAG-OFFS WHO AREN’T INTO FOOD

There are many golden rules when it comes to not trusting someone. Never trust anyone with a weak handshake, because he or she is just lying in wait, biding his or her time to passively aggressively screw you. You must never trust someone who uses the adverb “very” twice in a row – that person will most certainly fuck you. But the most golden of all the golden rules of trust is this: Never, ever, EVER trust someone who says they are not really into food. The minute you hear these words spoken from an individual, run away, as said individual probably has a shiv in their hand and is about to jam it into your ballsack. People who say that they really don’t care about food are evil incarnate. I love food. I love talking about it, hearing about it and thinking about it. And I can’t believe that there are people in this world who just don’t give it much thought. What the hell is wrong with these people? How (and why) do they exist?

The worst is when I hear them say this: “Yeah, I was just so busy today that I forgot to eat.” People that say such things are horrible people who probably cheat on their spouses and kick puppies. I mean, come on. You forgot to eat?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!! Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Never in my life have I “forgotten” to eat a meal. There have been many times where I’ve been so busy that I’ve never had time to eat, but I’ve certainly never forgotten about it. In fact, the entire time I am busy being busy, the only thing that runs through my head is, “Jesus fucking Christ, why the fuck am I not eating right now!” People who aren’t into food are the same dildos who love to exclaim, “Well, I do have a TV, but I don’t watch it.” They are so proud of themselves of that fact. First of all, if that’s true, you are a moron for having the TV in the first place. Secondly, if you’re lying, whom are you trying to impress? It’s the same with food. Saying you’re not into it is just another way of thinking you are cool and better than everyone else. Unless you really don’t like food, which then means you are clinically insane.

Now, I don’t discriminate on what types of food a person loves. I live in Los Angeles and have had my fair share of tofu, baby broccoli and brown rice. But I also grew up in the Midwest, where a corned beef sandwich is considered healthy because it’s topped with coleslaw and French fries. The point is to love your food. To merely say food is “just fuel for the body” is ridiculous. It’s like saying, “I just have sex to procreate.” I have no faith in people who think that way. Do not put your hopes and dreams into people who don’t care about food. They will always let you down. It’s no coincidence that the people closest to me are the ones who like food the most. My best friend, when he goes to Bob’s Big Boy, orders the Western Omelet and a tuna sandwich on rye…for breakfast. One of my friends always insists on ordering an extra pizza because four people looking down on the last slice of pepperoni makes him nervous. And another of my friends goes to McDonald’s everyday, twice a day, for a month when the McRib comes out. Now those are people you can trust.

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