Once upon a time, in a glorious age before the scourge of computers, people called "actors" played roles in movies that required them to wear "makeup" and "prosthetics," and occasionally someone called a "stunt person" would leap off a building or catapult a car into mid-air, spiraling it 20 times in slow motion as if it had launched off a ramp when in reality all it did was hit a line of parked cars. Sure, it violated all laws of physics and common sense, but it was, in its own way, real. But today, every big Hollywood production aims to out-Jurassic-Park the last by shitting a rainbow of computer graphics across the screen in hopes of coming off as "cutting edge," or maybe just to avoid the complexities of dealing with casts that aren't comprised of binary numbers. Digital effects are turning movies into soulless pixilated shells. Movie magic is now movie science -- and not the cool type of science with meaningless electrodes and beakers filled with mutating pathogens sitting precariously on the edge of the table, just waiting for the inevitable lab accident.

This is smarmy, smart-ass computer science propagated by people like the Mac guy in those Mac-PC commercials. Self-righteous pricks. Computer effects have made filmmakers too lazy to bother using actual make-up or real-life stunts. Sitting through movies like Spiderman, Wanted or Pirates of the Caribbean is like watching someone else playing a really cool video game and never giving you a turn. I miss blood squibs, stuntmen falling onto moonbounce air mattresses and good old-fashioned werewolf transformations. Sure, when Pam Grier used to cling to the roof of a speeding Cadillac Eldorado, we could tell that it was actually a 6’ 2" dude in a halter top and chinstrapped afro wig, but that was all part of the folksy charm. Who are you to deny afro chinstrap makers their livelihood?

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.


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