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Dear People Who Only Play Sports Video Games: WTF?

“What do you mean, you only play sports video games?”

This is not a fucking ruse. I honest to god recently uttered that very sentence aloud.

“I don’t really like any other kinds.”

Any other kinds? Again, we’re talking about video games here. Were it something less varietal, like, say, pizza, I could understand. There are those weird “strictly cheese” people who for whatever reason don’t like toppings fucking with their slice. I don’t support it, but hey, pizza’s pizza, and if you’re a puritan, so be it. I’m sure a lot of Italians would tell you pizza should only little melted medallions of mozzarella with some basil leafs vaguely tossed about. But video games?

“No shooters? No action games? RPGs? Nothing at all.”

“Meh.”

“What about racing? Racing is kind of a sport.”

“Only when it’s real cars. I don’t like Mario Kart or anything.”

Seriously. I absolutely cannot see the logic. I’ve got a big enough problem with people who like sports video games – of all the things to play on your PS3 in your dark and damp basement, you choose something you could actually just go outside and really truly do? – but to play them exclusively? Fuck off.

This isn’t the first time I’ve encountered someone like this. Back in high school, when video games were still a little bit stigmatized, there were those jock dicks who swore by sports games, as if the on-screen athleticism somehow negated the inherent nerdiness found in the act of gaming. The logic here is sound, much akin to only boning men with long, pretty, girly hair, because that makes taking a wiener up your poop chute somehow less gay. In both cases, I think it’s best for all parties to simply embrace who they are: ga(y)mers.

These “sports only” gamers are the sorts of men whose identities are made up almost solely by their allegiance to a specific sports team, a part of which includes the insistence upon playing only as their team in-game, as if to intentionally limit their amount of potential fun even further. These are the men who somehow think “tough guys” drink Bud Light, that only watch Game of Thrones “for the tits,” and who think if their girlfriend’s can’t cum after sixteen pumps, it’s her own damn fault.

The irony, of course, is that it’s actually far more pathetic to play the newest NBA game than it is to play something like Skyrim. While a Skyrim players sits at home pretending to be a courageous barbarian, slaying dragons and traveling the wild lands, an NBA 2K13 player sits at home pretending to be the actual real person Kobe Bryant, using his strong, muscular legs to jump himself into the air and throw an orange ball into a hoop for some imaginary points.

Worse yet, when interrogated, I’ve heard these kind of guys actually try to argue that playing such games enhances their real-life sporting abilities. “Playing FIFA increases my, like, real world, like, ‘game sense,’” they shit out of their lips. This logic, too, is impenetrable, as my many years of playing online virtual Sailor Moon sex games has made me the grand master of fucking. Bravo, gentlemen.

As an interesting aside: throughout my semi-not-so-extensive research on the subject, I’ve literally never met a single waking soul that ever claims to play baseball video games. Now what the fuck is up with that?

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