Dear women of Los Angeles, I want and need a lot of things in life, but what I'm really in the market for these days is a brand new female friend in the greater Los Angeles area. I don’t want to sound picky but I’d prefer a bird with an IQ over 150, a kung fu grip and nice tits. Between raising hell and destroying the hopes of men, finding a suitable female friend apparently slipped my mind. Probably because the thought of forcing myself to hangout with another catatonic, cookie cutter bimbo would cause me to go on a citywide murderous rampage. As it stands, I’m blaming the area because it makes no sense that I can have lady friends in every possible place with the exception of Los Angeles, the city I call home. Surely, lovely ladies of Los Angeles, there’s got to be someone else besides me out there that is both cunning, clever and sexy? I’d like to meet someone with an XX chromosome that’s open-minded, lacks the ability to become jealous when I’m getting attention from the hotter guy and doesn’t cringe when I begin a diatribe about my hot pink cunt while standing in line to order coffee. I guess I’m looking for a woman that is socially free, morally loose and has a savvy-as-shit fashion sense.

It wouldn’t hurt if she had an endless supply of money and wore a size “10” shoe –cause besties share shit, duh. It would be sort of cool if this friend could get it together and be willing to go long distance running, be able to talk about books and art, pay her own way, and from time-to-time drink grown men into a coma. It’d be doubly sweet if she had other friends and didn’t expect me to come and hangout on the daily since I absolutely detest leaving the house. You know what? Outside the biological qualities necessary to actually be a woman, these are basically my requirements for a boyfriend--so if you fit in either category drop me a line because I do a great job of screening people and would like to have the opportunity to reject you—especially if that rejection includes the use of my vagina. XOXO, Sabrina

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