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DEAR COLLEGE: STOP ASKING FOR MONEY

Dear College, You and I parted ways a few years ago. It was amicable. I gave you four years of my life and thousands of dollars, and you gave me a piece of paper saying that I graduated from you. I was to understand that this was the end of our business together. However, shortly after we parted ways, you asked me, quite insistently, to join your Alumni Association. Though your pitch, which involved access to your library and various other offerings, did not blow me away, I joined your Alumni Association as a lifetime member. At the time, I remember thinking, “I can now put college behind me and go out into the real world.” However, recent events force me to ask for some clarifications about your intentions. For the last six weeks, you have been calling me daily at 7pm, asking for a donation. I have told you time and time again that I have no desire to give you money. Yet, your representatives continue to call me, seemingly unaware of this fact. So allow me to set the record straight. I am not able to give you money right now because the degree I bought from you is worthless. The value it holds on my resume is nothing more than the cost of the ink used to print it.

The feeling I experience when I think about the four years and thousands of dollars I paid for it can best be described as a sort of “savage betrayal.” Sometimes, the anguish it causes me is so paralyzing that I am unable to do much else but lie in bed all day and masturbate. So no, I cannot give you any more money, as the degree I purchased from you is barely earning me enough money to pay for my daily expenses, let alone your lofty ones. Furthermore, even if I were in a position where I could afford to give you money, I certainly would not. I find your aggressiveness off-putting and, quite frankly, I think you are nothing more than a common, rotten charlatan. Please cease and desist or to put it bluntly, stop begging me for all my fucking money. It's pathetic. Sincerely, Alex D. Reid - Class of 2007

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