One day, I turned my computer on and the hard drive made a strange sound – half whine-half crunch. If you’ve never experienced catastrophic hard drive failure, it’s kind of like waking up one day to realize that a ferret is dining on your scrotum. All my files were in there – the new draft of a commissioned script, notes on other projects, and most importantly my prized 20-gig collection of celebrity and voyeur porn. I needed my files. There was weeks of unarchived work on there, not to mention the spank videos. So I took my computer down to one of those fancy Mac stores. And learned all about the scam of data recovery. For a mere $150, a specialist will look at your hard drive and, in the short span of seven to ten business days, tell you if he can save your data or not. Which is similar to paying a prostitute $150 to find out if she’ll fuck you. If the data recovery specialist deigns to recover your files, they’ll pull off what they can, at the bargain rate of $75/hour. So I get to pay someone $150 to hopefully charge me hundreds more to get back work that I should’ve backed up in the first place.

Sadly, I needed my files, so I okayed it. And two weeks later, I found out that most of my data could be recovered. And then I realized something. The data recovery specialist would be looking through all of my files. I doubt he’d steal my any of my unfinished scripts – he probably doesn’t have the writing chops to pull off completing my animated opus about the bisexual singing monkey. But the geek would pour through all of my porn. I racked my brain – what was on there? Some nudes of an ex-girlfriend, which I didn’t care if they made it to the Interwebs. Video I shot of my former 18-year-old neighbor undressing through her window. Pictures of me naked except for a diaper on my head. I frantically dialed the Mac shop. “Were you able to recover my pictures and videos?” The guy told me he could pull up the documents but nothing else. I breathed a sigh of relief. I’ve never been so happy that a hard drive got screwed up in my life.

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Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!