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CROONING WITH PORN STARS

Sardo's is a Burbank institution, a dive bar that hosts karaoke seven nights a week. They even specialize -- normal karaoke five nights a week and Family Night on Friday, in case your kid feels like belting out "Proud Mary." Oh, and Tuesday's Porn Star Karaoke. You're probably thinking -- "Porn Star Karaoke? Is that when folks get up and moan and thrust to movies?" No, it's regular karaoke with drunk people. But there's also porn stars there. Unlike normal karaoke nights, which are hosted by very capable Karaoke Jocks, PSK is hosted by a real-life porn star, the boobalicious Nikki Hunter (host of Night Calls on Playboy Radio/satellite). Not only does Nikki have a penchant for short dresses (and no underwear) and fellating the microphone, but she can also sing. Last time I went, she did a very credible rendition of "I'm Coming Out" by Pink. Now, normal karaoke is a lot of fun. Downing six or twenty shots and getting up and butchering some Pixies is always a good time. Except for the American Idol crowd, who make a point to get up there and sing the holy fuck out of some difficult number from Aida or Rent. I know, your life didn't work out the way you planned. You're answering some music exec's phone instead of starring on Broadway. But karaoke was created by Japanese people to get hammered and sing horribly, not for you to showcase your wasted talent.

So what eases the pain is a porn star host offering to flash her tits in photos if you’ll step outside. And the other porn stars who show up and give away free copies of their films. It’s one thing to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody." It’s another to do it and walk away with a copy of Ass-Exploders 39: The Dongening. I enjoy karaoke because I’m a tad on the introverted side. I like to drink enough to loosen my tough outer shell, revealing my soft, gooey inside (I’m like an M&M that way) and then put all my heart and my one-octave range into an emotional but off-key version of "Creep" or "Under Pressure" (I sing both parts, as David Bowie and Freddie Mercury—yes, I’m probably gay). Combine that with a great passion of mine, skanky vagina, and you’ve got a real winner. Hell, if they added pussy, I’d even watch American Idol.

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