Anyone who’s been in Hollywood on enough Friday nights will have experienced the joy of Critical Mass. You know, that large group of bike riders in the middle of the road, with a bunch spilling over onto the sidewalk? I have to be honest with you – I admire the spirit of these people. They are taking back the streets one tire revolution at a time. I mean, I totally get it – cars are terrible. Power in numbers. Flex your might. Knowledge is power. It’s all stuff lifted right from School House Rock, which is just fine with me. But here’s the thing you should know: though I admire their spirit, I fucking hate these people. And I’m not talking as a car driver; I’m talking as a pedestrian. Let me make one thing clear: the sidewalks are for walking on. You should not drive a car on them, and you sure as shit should not drive a bicycle on them, especially at 11:30 on a Friday night, when they are lined with people waiting to get into clubs. Don’t you understand that doing so is completely antithetical to your bicycle revolution? You’re supposed to be the little guy, not the guy that nearly runs the little guy over while shouting, “On your left,” causing me to trip over myself in front of the girl I was just chatting up and sort of – maybe – had a chance with, although she did keep talking about having to meet up with her friends, but still, there was kind of a chance.

Look, I’m smart enough to know that my rants won’t change anything. That’s why I’m starting Critical Walk. I am calling on all walkers in this town, young and old, to pound the pavement in unity with me on the last Friday night of every month. We will walk in a mass so thick on the sidewalk that bike riders won’t stand a chance. And we’ll always be crossing in crosswalks, so those pesky bicycle riders cannot do that thing they do when there’s a red light but they cheat their way through it by bicycling in the cross walk before going back into the street with the cars. Yeah, I’m onto your tricks, bike people. Incidentally, be sure the bring water or something to replenish your fluids. We’ll meet at 7:45 at the corner of Hollywood and Vine for some stretching, after which we will take off promptly at 8:00pm. You also might want to bring a jacket just in case it gets cold.

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