Let's face it: in Los Angeles, it's almost impossible to find someone to settle down with. No one's "from around here," every girl wants either sex or Celexra, and it's hard to tell if the person you're dating is "natural hot" or just another friendly neighborhood hermaphrodite. Once, a girl told me she was a "producer." Turns out, she "produces" naked pictures of herself and uploads them onto charity-based Facebook group websites, like "1,000,000 Clicks to Feed The Hungry!". That's the group with photos of starving Africans..... and my friend's droopy tits. And that's how she lives her life. One million clicks on her vag. When you find someone who's semi-hot, below the age of 40, and wants to bone, why is it so frowned upon? What if it was true love? Weird, twisted, I-could-be-the-mom-you-fuck sort-of-love? What if Romeo and Juliet were 15 years apart? Or Honest Abe and his secret lover? Would people be so quick to judge? Is it wrinkly? These are questions to which I want answers. At this point of the "weighing options" game, I'm into fucking my boss, even possibly going extendedly down on her and getting a promotion.

But then I think: What if it turns into something serious? What if I totally fall for this horny, depressed pedophile-of-sorts? She’s 39. Could I bring a 39 year-old home to Michigan for Thanksgiving? She’s a feisty, Jewish cougar from NYC. What would my Grandparents think? Would they approve? My Mother? They’re almost the same age. Does that say something about me, like I have some secret Freudian thing with fucking my mom? Many guys are like, "Dude! That’s awesome." Then I remind them that, when this woman was 18, I was 3. When my cougar boss was getting orgy-railed at fraternity parties, I was pooping on beds. Hot, right? Everyone gives props to the guy who fucks the old, horny cougar. Especially in the entertainment industry—it’s all about connections, I hear? But as I ponder over the obscure Facebook message she just sent me at 11:42pm: "Do you ever get lonely?" I wonder about what my dad. Was he ever in my position? Did he ever cheat on my mom with some 60 year-old? Was he high-fived at work? Is this my secret handed-down family destiny? Have generations of Hicks’ fucked their cougar bosses, well into the "B.C." era? I leave the answer to you, readers. Should I fuck my 39 year-old boss?

Say no, and I’ll walk away. But say yes, and I’ll upload pictures. What? This ain’t no charity website.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.


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