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COPING WITH MUSICAL THEATRE MAJORS

"When you live in a city populated by so many in pursuit of the spotlight, chances are you’re going to have a coworker that majored in musical theater, arguably the most useless degree one can earn in university (the second being the degree I hold, a B.A. in English). These song and dance men are usually new enough to the workaday world that they haven’t yet realized playtime is over. All those years spent internalizing lessons of the craft, like diaphragm projection and mastering a “now voice,” have become fading memories. Tune folk yearn for that special time and place, where the main goal was to dick around and play make believe, the exact opposite of what an effective society demands. Mommy and Daddy hoped your love for the stage would fizzle out, but your pipes were too brassy to fog out of function in that hate-steam. I myself have a coworker who demonstrates his undying love for the theater in the most annoying ways possible (one of the ways is simply by him being alive). For instance, he’ll idly sing popular songs from the radio, but with proper tone and melody. Rihanna’s “Um-br-ella” comes on, and all of a sudden my coworker’s vocalizing like he’s up for a Tony award. As you can imagine, it is a certain strain of hell to share an office with someone who could fill in for the entire cast of Mamma Mia!"

So I’ve taken some measures to discourage my coworker’s acting out on the clock. Whenever I get the sense that he’s about to slip into song (aka anytime ABBA comes on), I harmonize along with him—barely audibly, and accompanied by a soulful finger snap to hold the rhythm; if I can muster it, I’ll even squeeze out some tears. Eventually I guide my glossy eyes towards his, and try to force a “we moment.” This normally shuts him up, as I happen to resemble that same type of reclusive psychopath whose shared moments often result in forest murders and body barrel storage.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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