On Thursday, September 25, the worst possible thing in the world happened to me. No, I didn't get cancer or attacked by a wolverine or fall into a bottomless pit. Instead, I lost access to the internet. One minute it was working, then it suddenly stopped. It was horrible, like living in the dark ages. Or the late-eighties. If only I was John McCain, then I wouldn't even know what the internet is, and everything would be okay. Fortunately, I figured out how to handle this difficult situation, and you can too by following these simple steps: 1) Click the refresh button on your browser. Constantly. If you do this enough, you will magically bring the internet back to life. 2) Give up hitting that refresh button. Seriously, that's not going to make any difference. Instead, find something productive to do with your time, like, I don't know, checking your cable modem or Wifi connection. 3) Connection secure? Good! Now go back to hitting that refresh button. If it doesn't work, just keep doing it. Did I say earlier that it wouldn't work? Well, I was probably wrong, so don't stop!

4) Okay, I panicked a little. The refresh button won’t work. Instead, call your internet provider and curse out the customer service representative. Listen to them explain that they’ll have someone come by to look at your connection sometime next Monday. Then curse them out some more. 5) Relax! There are other things you can do besides surfing the net. Right? Yes. Of course there is. I’m not sure what, but you’ll probably think of something. 6) Curl up in the fetal position. It’s surprisingly comfy. Stay in this position for the next several days. 7) It’s now Monday. The repairman is at the door. Hooray! Uncurl from the fetal position and let him in. 8) Watch as the repairman magically repairs your internet connection. When he finishes, give him a big kiss on the lips. Maybe slip him the tongue. 9) Finally! Go online and check your email again. Then sob uncontrollably for two hours when you see the only emails you got in five days were some handy tips on enlarging your penis.


Matt Manser, Jeff Hahn, ARTICLES

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