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Concept Of The Porn Avatar

I’ve seen lots of porn. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who’s read any of my articles here. (Side note: Hi, mom!) And through my long and esteemed career as a masturbator, I’ve “finished” with the help of nearly every type of lady out there. From the barely legal to the nearly dead. From the palest, almost see-through Aryans to the darkest of African queens. From the 80-pound emaciated druggie who’d only be at the top of a cheerleading pyramid, to the 350-pound giant who’d handle the pyramid’s base all by her enormous self. My preference is not to have one. I am not picky. Except when it comes to the dudes. You see, even though I’m all United Colors of Benetton when it comes to the lady side of the porn equation, I can really only watch a scene if it includes the acting ability of a white dude. If I stumble onto a clip with a fella of Spanish decent, someone who’s African (American or not), or (gasp!) the rare male Asian porn actor, no matter how attractive the female is in the clip, and no matter how many there are of them, I have to move on. This will not work. This clip shall not pass! I know what you’re saying: “The fuck?” I asked myself the same thing.

I’m not gay – despite what my many married Midwest-residing relatives probably believe – so the dudes in the clip really shouldn’t matter. I shouldn’t be paying this much attention to the those wielding their penii; I should be focusing on those who are being wielded upon. This question consumed me, turning daily masturbation retreats into terrible self-psychoanalytical sessions. I couldn’t turn off the self-imposed questions enough to really enjoy the experience anymore. Until, one day, I came upon the solution to the riddle of what was going on after receiving help from an unlikely source: James Cameron. The moment I saw “Avatar,” I got it. I understood my weird porn quirk. The male actors in porn, the heavily-muscled (unless you’re Ron Jeremy) meat piles who were grunting and sweating into these women … they were my avatars. But instead of taking on the guise of blue, Manute Bol-sized dread-locked creatures from Pandora, I was donning the human suits of Peter North, Evan Stone and James Deen. Every masturbation session was a spiritual out-of-body experience. I was using their bodies as a stand-in for my own. Which is why jerking off to black dudes wasn’t working.

If it was a black guy in the scene, well, there’s pretty much no way I could trick my reptilian brain into believing that that was really my foot-long baby-arm of a penis being used. Conversely, if it was an Asian dude, there was no way I could believe that was my 2-inch pixilated shot glass of a penis down there. (Who am I kidding? Even the Asians doubled me up in penis size.) But if it was a white dude, the self-deception trick worked. I was able to use my mental Porn Avatar and envision myself actually participating in the sex taking place instead of, you know, admitting to the reality that it was just me, creeping jerking off to two strangers banging. (Which it totally was, anyway. Heady stuff, I know.) With this question finally answered, I was able to return to my old exploits of jerking off freely and without mental anguish. Until I realized that this lead to a whole new, possibly even worse, question I had to answer: does jerking off only to white guys somehow make me racist?

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