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COMPUTING YOUR CREDIT SCORE

Forget about those crappy “free credit report” websites and banner ads. Why? Because they’re not free and they sell your personal information to call centers in Mexico City. If you really want to know your credit score, just start with a base score of 500 and complete the following algorithm (if one step doesn’t apply to you, just skip on to the next): 1) Subtract 11 points if you regularly drink “Natty Ice.” Subtract 30 more points if you drink “Natty Ice” and you’re not in high school. 2) If you’ve ever purchase any of the following at Costco, subtract 9 points: denim clothing, eyeglasses, a loved one’s casket. 3) Add 2 points for every time you said “synergy” today. 4) If you religiously wear a Blue Tooth, read the Wall Street Journal, or style your lettuce like Susie Orman, add 39 points. 5) Add 15 points if your last name is ends in a berg or stein (5 point bonus if your last name is Steinberg or Bergstein). 6) If you can name the Chairman of the Fed Reserve, add 31 points.

7) If you majored in Communication, English, Fashion Design, Psychology, or Film Studies subtract 74 points. 8) Divide by 2 if you've ever smashed a “D” to score some rocks. If you didn’t understand that sentence, happily add 14 points. 9) Add 64 points if you know the difference between an IRA and a Roth IRA. Add 16 more points if you have either one. 10) Multiply total by 15/17 if you are or were employed by Circuit City, Lehman Brothers, Clear Channel, Anne Taylor, or Linens-N-Things. 11) If you still have a Stock Broker add 50 points. If his last name is Madoff, subtract 500 points. 12) Subtract 89 points if you've recently contemplated selling an organ. Subtract 19 more points if you actually did. However, add 150 points if you brokered such a transaction. 13) Add a -14 points if you’ve consumed a government issued sustenance (e.g. cheese) or Ramen Noodles in the past 36 hours. 14) If you get more daily calls from collection agencies than you do from friends and family divide total by 2.

15) Subtract 70 points if you're unable to do the math thus far (and take a default score of 389). 16) If you were the pitcher in a prison gang rape subtract 76 points, if you were the catcher... well, I'm sorry. 17) Subtract 33 points if you smoke weed. If it's “medicinal weed,” only subtract 32 points. 18) Lastly, you can add 1 point for every friend you send this to (maximum of 10 additional points). [Editors Note: S.H.Blannelbeerry is in fact a 12-year-old girl on myspace that sends chain letters. In closing, send this article to 100 of your friends and you'll get to kiss your crush] After you finish all these steps you should have an accurate approximation of your credit score. And if you’re confused or pissed off by the outcome, join me in sending a box of fecal matter to Experian, TransUnion, and that third group of ass-clowns, whose name escapes me right now, for devising such a fucked up system in the first place.

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