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CHINSTRAPS ARE THE NEW MULLET

Every so often white trash makes a run at the mainstream. Remember the mullet? It spread like crabs, up from the trailer park to the forefront of society. But time passed, the cocaine wore off and people began to point and laugh when they saw one. It wasn’t long before the mullet was the butt of the joke. It retreated back to where it found safety, at rodeos and minor league hockey games. Even lesbians backed off the mullet. It’s easy to kick a guy when he’s down and let’s face it, the mullet is down. It’s not even really fun to goof on the mullet anymore. It moved past cliché to this post-laughable entity, where it’s such a conscious decision to go mullet now that it’s almost back to what it originally was: a hairstyle that looks good with cowboy boots. So why lash out against one particular white trash keystone, yet stand idly by while another goes unquestioned? Why the double standard with the chin strap? Why am I still seeing these douchebags walking around trying to make their jaw line more pronounced by growing a quarter inch thick beard? This is a move right out of the white trash playbook. Am I wrong or did Pittsburgh become the trend setting beacon of fashion and I just didn’t get the memo? What the hell happened?

Maybe 5 years ago a chinstrap and tickets to the drag race might have scored you some chick’s number. I’ll give you that, but enough is enough. I know you have to live with the bad idea you tattooed around your bicep in the shape of some barbwire, but that doesn’t mean you have to shave your face like an idiot. You want to grow a beard? Fine, but don’t walk out of the house looking like you drew on yourself with a sharpie. Seriously, that’s the kind of thing I would do to somebody who passes out at a party. The first asshole gets a Hitler moustache, the second guy gets a chin strap and if there’s a third and I’m out of ideas I usually just take a dump in his hand. So the next time you see one these jerks walking around with a chinstrap, do society a favor - point and laugh. Take a picture of them and send it to your friends so they can point and laugh. If you have a vagina, run, get it as far away from these men as possible. There is a cure for douchbaggery and it’s called humiliation. So by all means point, laugh. You’re allowed to: they’re idiots.

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