Miss the good ol’ days of schoolyard fun? Wish it was socially-acceptable for adults to tear around a field, chasing one another and giggling like adorable little retards? Well have no fear, because your childhood favorites are here to stay! They just come with slightly different rules! Here, the modified rules to children’s games you don’t even realize you’re still playing. Hide and seek: Start by selecting one person to be the seeker. Everyone else hides while this chosen person counts from 25 to 100, representing the slow, dull and methodical steps one takes essentially waiting to die. Once finished counting, they begin searching for each person. Each person who is found, however, should have started an entirely new life, complete with new friends, family and hobbies. They should then act forcefully happy to see the seeker, and condescendingly congratulate them on whatever minute successes they may have achieved since last seeing each other. Manhunt: One person is tagged as “it.” They then chase all other players, whom also become “it” once they are caught, until only one person remains. “But wait,” you say, “isn’t this identical to the kid’s version?” Why yes, it is, but with one slight revision: instead of being “it,” it’s called herpes.
Red Light, Green Light: In the childhood version, one “traffic cop” would face away from all the others, whom were trying to stealthily move towards the cop. At random, the cop would spin around, and everyone would have to freeze – anyone caught moving had to restart. In the adult version, you play only with your spouse, and the game begins at marriage. With your back turned, your spouse begins to slowly move about, becoming a very different person than the one you fell in love with. So long as they stand still when you spin around, you’re able to pretend the love is still there. If you catch them moving however, you’re faced with the grim reality of your growing apart, and the game ends in divorce. Truth or dare: Same rules apply, except that all truths revolve around admitting whom in their life they actually love less than they let on to, and all dares involve microcosmic sacrifices like getting real butter on their popcorn or taking a dump with full knowledge of there being only two sheets of toilet paper left. Simon Says: Instead of it being Simon, whom is tricking you into doing things without saying “Simon says” beforehand, it’s the Bible, telling you to arbitrarily follow certain rules while disregarding others. Simon Says always made you look stupid as a child, and the adult rendition no doubt does the same.
Hopscotch: Each square you move forward represents one step up on the corporate ladder. With each move forward, feel a sense of accomplishment. However, as you near the finish, suddenly realize you’ve been playing a useless game with no tangible reward at the end. Go play Adult Jump-Rope instead. That’s where you hang yourself.
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