It’s official – cell phones have replaced the sports car as the new “look at me” purchase. Obviously, it’s easier to buy an iPhone than a Lamborghini but basically they mean the same thing: you’re insecure about the size of your dong. And with regards to a cell phone, the more functions you use the smaller your penis is. Examples of the prick-shrinking functions are: Personal Digital Assistant – Truly one of the most pointless functions on a cell phone and used by guys who think they are players. If you really were a player, you’d have an actual human assistant, not a digital one. GPS – The fact that you are even lost in the first place means that you are a woman. MP3 - I’m guessing that if you carry your entire music collection on your cell then you don’t have enough music to begin with and if you can’t blow out a 30 GB iPod with your collection then you are not a real man. Wireless Internet – Alright, I’m going to admit that I’ve used this function, but it has never been for anything important or necessary. It was just because I was standing in line and bored (which is really why anyone uses the Internet in the first place). And on a personal plea, there is NO NEED to look at porn on your cell phone. If you can’t wait until you get home then go see a boner psychologist.

All of these extra functions on your phone are like adding spinners, spoilers, neon lights under the chaise and a leather bra on the headlights of your Porsche. And playing with all the functions on your cell in public is like rolling around in a bright yellow Mazerati with 50 Cent busting of out your speakers. You might as well just go ahead and declare “Hello, World! I just want all of you to know that my wang is the size (and color) of a Circus Peanut!” Give me a cell phone that’s just a phone. Okay maybe with one function – the ability to jerk me off when I press the Send Button. Now there’s a function I’d pay extra for.


Kirk Pynchon, Rohan Likhite, ARTICLES

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