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CELEBRITY RETARDATION

Having lived in LA for five years now, I've had my share of opportunities to peek "behind the curtain," which has taught me the Golden Rule of Show Biz: success is inversely proportional to one's ability to function as a human being. No, I'm not talking about writers or grips; I mean people with discernible talent. I mean actors and singers. I mean "stars". They always talk about stars having a certain "it" factor, and "it," as it turns out, is complete and utter social retardation. Stars can't function in the real world. They can't hold a 9 to 5 office job for two days without defecating on someone's keyboard or snorting the Sweet 'n Low packets in the break room. They lack the basic ability to communicate, manage time or recollect even the smallest promise. They don't know simple rules of everyday living, like, "Don't put aluminum foil in the microwave" and "Don't bathe with your TiVo." That's why they all need personal assistants. They HAVE to be in show business because otherwise, they'd die violently with a household appliance.

And the more famous stars get, the more retarded they get. They become so used to asking people to do stuff for them that they forget how to do the few things they actually know (mostly hygiene-related). If you want to blow a star’s mind, introduce them to the possibility that someone might not be dying to help them. After all, why wouldn’t you want to help a major f-ing star? I’ll tell you why: because you can forget about asking for anything in return. They’ll either forget what you asked for, or they won’t even comprehend it in the first place, only pretending to do so with a dismissive nod and a "Sure, no problem, man." I would call them idiot savants, but at least savants can remember to leave two tickets at will call.

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