Clearly, simply watching CBS sitcoms is an impossible feat, but this handy set of drinking game rules will allow you to slog your way through episode after episode while getting John Wastamos! (And don’t forget to drink when Stamos guest stars!) Two And A Half Men 1 Drink: every time Jon Cryer flashes that shit-eating grin, which forces you to visualize how many producer dicks he must’ve sucked to weasel his extremely mediocre talents on network television. 2 Drinks: when you realize that lardass-turned-nerd Angus T. Jones has made more money before he turned 18 than the last nine generations of your family combined. 3 Drinks: each time Ashton Kutcher appears naked and the audience roars in delight like a group of morbidly obese bachelorettes watching the tray of fried butter balls get restocked at the Golden Banana’s All-U-Can-Eat buffet. Kill The Bottle: if anyone you are “watching” this show with laughs unironically at a joke. Then smash said bottle and stab said person. Don’t worry, you just did him a favor.
Mike & Molly 1 Drink: each time a non-fat joke is made. 2 Drinks: each time you discover another one of Molly’s chins. 3 Drinks: every time you remember that both Mike and Molly are contractually obligated to remain morbidly obese. Kill The Bottle: if Mike sees his own dick. The Big Bang Theory 1 Drink: every time a non-nerd vs. hot girl joke is made. 2 Drinks: each time Blossom’s nose grows. 3 Drinks: every time the laugh track plays and you honestly swore there wasn’t a joke there. Like at all. Like it was just boring exposition like, “Kunal is at the mall” and the audience roars. Kill The Bottle: when you realize Kaley Cuoco gets paid $350,000 per episode.
2 Broke Girl$ 1 Drink: every time the brunette girl says a line. 2 Drinks: every time the blonde girl says a line. 3 Drinks: just mute the TV and drink three times whenever either of their mouths move. It’s the only way you’ll get through this. Kill The Bottle: when you realize 12 million Americans deliberately watch this every week. How I Met Your Mother 1 Drink: every time Neil Patrick Harris mentions hooking up with a girl. Now that’s acting! 2 Drinks: when Jason Segel is forced to repeat terrible bad joke. Jason, we both know you’re better than this. 3 Drinks: every time you internally struggle with whether Alyson Hannigan is hot or not. By the third or fourth time, she’ll definitely be hot.
Kill The Bottle: when Bob Saget does a voiceover. Josh Radnor plays Ted and is 34 years old yet for some absurd reason, his voice has morphed into Saget’s by the time he is 50. Does no one care?! No one?! Side Note: To make reading this post bearable, drink every time you note my undeniable bitterness about not writing for one of these massive money-makers. Safety tip: Keep the ambulance engine running outside, you’re gonna need it.
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