I’m on the lot of a major studio, just out taking care of my errands, when the thought strikes me: I am so much better than these people. Seriously, I’m out cruising the little streets between sound stages, and I find myself distracted by these people who, as far as I can tell, are total failures on almost every level, from their lives to careers to their fashion choices. Brainless, useless… the only thing these people seem to be good for is getting in my goddamn way. I might not normally be this snobby, but as an intern in the movie business I have acquired the one thing that gives a person prestige and leverage in a universe like this: A battery-powered golf cart. Lets leave the reason I have this golf cart (to go get a producer’s shirt ironed) aside for the moment. All that matters in the realm of the studio is that, when you have the golf cart, you have power. Ron Howard can go fuck himself. Directors, actors, cinematographers –titles mean nothing in this context, there are simply people who walk, and right now, I’m driving. In almost every other situation they make me do inane shit, but here the roles are reversed – and you can literally feel them look at you with envy as they lug their lunches around.
Problem with the golf cart is, once you’ve had a taste of it, it’s impossible to go back. Walk 100 yards to drop off a script? I said good day to you sir! Carry a lunch order to a meeting? The sooner you go to hell the better. I got so caught up that, when they threatened to take it away from me, claiming we interns were abusing it, I counter-claimed I had a medical reason: Gout. Serious, serious gout, a painful affliction of the foot. To sell the lie, I came in limping, grimacing every so slightly every time I stood up in the presence of others. The trick is to do it just a little but – don’t oversell it or you’re cooked. And then, a nice easy ride on easy street. To go get the producer’s car washed. Sigh.
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