Growing up in a small town in Vermont, Christmas always had a rustic feel to it. Stockings filled with fruit and granola, extra-warm hunting gloves from dad and a fresh piece of flint from mom in case I went off the road in an ice storm and had to burn the seat covers to survive. But these days I have a couple of nieces who will get the benefit of something more cultured, something more cutting-edge because they have an uncle who is bringing the sensibilities of Los Angeles home for the holidays. Because kids don't understand difficult words like "down-sizing" and "recession," it's important to make sure we expand the market from your regular toys and sweaters to include some of the glitz and dazzle of Hollywood. My nieces will have a head start on their classmates on landing on the front page of TMZ. Let's face it, no one ever got famous for owning a Tickle Me Elmo. Instead of boring, knitted scarves or other potentially frostbite-preventing facial protection, imagine their little eyes lighting up and mom’s gasps of surprise when they open the Peekaboo on the big day.
Can’t you just hear the squeals of delight? Or think of the energy in the room when they peel open the latest fashion item from designer Ashley Paige. Oh, I can practically hear the ooohs and aaaahs now, I’m sure they’ll want to run right out and try them on. Who’s going to look stylish on the beach this summer, girls? You are. You’re welcome. Of course, I’m not above getting them some educational gifts, too. And what better way to learn how to act appropriately than with full seasons of “The Hills,” and “The O.C.” where they can learn valuable lessons in making friends and cultivating strong relationships, as in this case. They will be so popular. Or maybe I’ll just play it safe and get them something they can dress up in on future holidays. These girls are so god damn lucky to have me. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.