Assholes -- and I use that term clinically -- get a bad rap. Just as stupid people drive the Internet economy ("Click here? Sure!") and hillbillies power the Mountain Dew industry, assholes fuel life as we know it. Their uniquely repellent combination of impatience, conceit and all around pissed-offedness propels all known progress in the free world. In short, assholes make things happen. People who are easily offended (assholes) get laws passed. Drivers who use the emergency lane (assholes) shorten backups. Your boss (asshole) might be a dick, but he makes the decisions you couldn't care less about. How many times have you been stuck in traffic behind a slow-moving old lady and thought to yourself, "She needs a little more asshole in her"? If you answered "Never," you're probably a lying asshole. Any person who ever accomplished anything was most likely an asshole. History books won't tell you this, but Gandhi was a sanctimonious prick. Assholes like him tend to be leaders, though, because they're always thinking a step ahead about how the situation can benefit them, the selfish jerks that they are. Your boss didn't work hard to get where he is for the sake of a job well done. He did it so he could buy a Hummer to tool around town eating a breakfast burrito with his shit-eating asshole grin. God, I hate him.
Sure, assholes can be a bit abrasive. But without them, we'd have no professional athletes, government workers, stock brokers, actors or musicians and without all of its self-righteous asshole users, Apple would go down in flames. The white earbud industry would never recover! And granted, assholes may have started every apolitical riot in the history of time, but how else would I have gotten my sweet 40-inch plasma? So, the next time an asshole doesn't hold the elevator for you, think of all the people on the other floors who'll get on board sooner. The next time an asshole steals your girlfriend, consider all the time he saved you from wasting on that no-good skank who always dogged you out in front of your friends...even though she was a wildcat in the sack -- perhaps a bit too good, frankly, for a professed virgin but that would bolster the whole skank theory, wouldn't it? And the next time an asshole frames you for grand larceny, blame yourself for being naive enough to trust a guy you thought was your friend but obviously was only using you as a patsy and to get next to your skanky virgin girlfriend, which hardly balances out that plasma TV or the constant elevator doors slamming in your face as they jump on board to no doubt have sex like they're in goddamn Fatal Attraction or something
Did she hold it against you that you got that subscription to Enemasillustrated.com, even though you clearly explained to her the research aspect? I mean, why? Really, WHY??? So, here's to all the assholes of the world: fuck you very much.
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