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ASK A BLACK DUDE RACIAL SENSITIVITY FOR STUDIOS

A lot of Al Sharpton-led picket lines could be averted if Hollywood studios would just have a black person on call to bounce ideas off of. Allow me to offer my services. Q: I need a rapist for a movie and have narrowed the actors down to a white guy and a black guy. All things being equal, which one should I choose? A: You can hire the black guy without feeling guilty if you balance that negative stereotype with a positive one. For instance, the rapist could be sent to jail, where he develops his instinctual ability to play basketball. When he's released, he goes to college on a scholarship and makes it to the NBA, where he becomes a superstar. Then, ironically enough, he's free to rape at will. Can you say twist ending? Q: My company has always prided itself on realistic, culturally sensitive casting, and right now we're putting together a mostly Negro ensemble piece. The leads will be played by Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, and we're looking for a young actress who could conceivably be their daughter -- you know, color-wise. We're leaning towards Dakota Fanning. Is this realistic? ...Mariah Carey being half white and all.

A: Wow, I don’t know what’s more disturbing: your evaluation of talent or your understanding of basic genetics. The only way you can keep Dakota Fanning is if you write her character with an advanced case of vitiligo. Q: I’m a veteran Hollywood director whose movies haven’t yet found an audience within the African-American marketplace. What can I do to, you know, get jiggy with it? A: You’re not fooling anyone, Ron Howard. I know it’s you. I would suggest that you do something drastic, like—I don’t know—casting some black people, but since you’d probably end up writing dialogue with words like "jiggy" in it, I’d say we’re all better off the way things are. Q: I’m directing my first black love scene, and I want it to be accurate. You guys like doggy style, right? A: Yeah, if it involves a pound of flour, a burlap sack, and yo’ mama. Oh snap! But seriously, yes. Yes, we do.

Q: Is Vin Diesel black? We’ve got a quota to meet. A: He’s 1/3 black, 1/3 Italian and 1/3 asshole. So, you need 2/3 more of a black person for your quota. Try some combination of Halle Berry and Jessica Alba.

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