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APPLYING HISTORY CLASS TO DATING

Columbus Syndrome: This form of denial afflicts both men and women, though is most pronounced in men between the ages of 16-25. A defense mechanism, Columbus Syndrome manifests when you completely ignore the fact that your girlfriend/boyfriend has already been "discovered" by numerous others before you. The most common symptom is becoming agitated to learn the number of your sexual partner’s previous sexual partners, as though it had been implied they were virginal. A Henry VIII: Ol’ Henry is of course famous for having many many wives, whom he routinely disposed of in a dubious manner: "One died, one survived, two divorced, two beheaded." Ladies, steer clear - a Henry VIII is a guy who only has miserable break-ups. A sure red flag is if a guy isn’t on friendly speaking terms with any of his ex's. The Churchill Illusion: Some of the more badass tales recounting Winston Churchill’s legendary badassitude were his leisurely cigar-smoking strolls through London during German bombing warnings in WWII. Awesome? Yes. But what people often overlook with these stories is the fact that Churchill was a functioning alcoholic, his constant shitfacing adding to his bravado.

The Churchill Illusion is when someone whom you hooked up with while they were drunk (and fun) turns out to be significantly less excellent when you meet them again, sober. A Teddy: President Teddy Roosevelt popularized the maxim “speak softly and carry a big stick.” A mantra describing Roosevelt’s corollary to the Monroe Doctrine, the expression refers to the idea of negotiating peacefully while simultaneously threatening with military might. Ladies, a Teddy is a guy with a big dick who knows that you know he has a big dick, and thus feels he can afford to put forth little wooing, relying on the threat of his “big stick.” The Russian Front: Why anyone would want to invade Russia is beyond me, but the frozen colossus has proven to be an irresistible and ultimately disastrous temptation for generations of megalomaniacs, from Napoleon to Hitler. Guys, a Russian Front is a group of girls at the club/bar who keep shooting down wave after wave of hopeful suitors. Wisdom dictates that you and your idiot friends should just sit tight and sip your beers. Russia can only be toppled from within.

A Rasputin: Speaking of Russia and hopeless causes – Rasputin, while known for his creepy womanizing ways, is probably best remembered for being extremely hard to kill; according to legend: poisoned, shot, stabbed, and drowned. A Rasputin is a relationship that just won’t seem to die. Be it full on romantic or merely booty calls, you know it needs to end and have tried to cut the cord numerous times… but it simply won’t stay dead. One of you sends a drunken text, next thing you know, you’re having sex.

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