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Annoying Things To Pack Before Runyon Canyon

If you’ve never been, Runyon Canyon is a spectacularly scenic hiking trail that attracts the biggest douches in LA, an enviable task in the douche-mopolis that is the greater Los Angeles area. Here are a few things to pack to make sure you fit in with the crowd.

Tiny dog. A staple of any Runyon hike, a tiny dog is a cute necessity that just screams: “I don’t care enough to notice that this giant hill plus this animal’s tiny legs and heart will likely combine to make for one adorable, wet-nosed heart attack victim in the next six minutes.” Make sure the dog walks the whole way because he’s ‘fierce’ like that, and, while you’re at it, why not put a weird sweater on the little guy? When the paramedics are doing doggy CPR, they will wonder where you found a sleeveless turtle neck for your pug, and they’ll appreciate that you sprung for breath mints for the little guy too. Before you know it he’ll be back on his feet and good as new. After a $200 dog massage, of course.

Large, large fake boobs. Obviously this only applies to women, but there is no better place to show off your investments that the RC. Hiking uphill can only increase the effects of gravity on these silicone torpedoes. The best way to accentuate the effect of your recent “procedure” is to go all out and wear just a tight fitting sports bra and smile. And, obviously, some pants. You don’t want attention THAT badly. Yet.

Weight Vest. A weight vest is an impressive way to make other people feel bad that they’re not wearing a weight vest. Ideally, you are a part-time judo instructor and stuntman with a shimmering six-pack that sticks out from beneath the weight vest, but none of that is mandatory. You just have to have a massive inferiority complex and get off on making people feel like they are not as in shape or good-looking as you. With those parameters, half the population of LA should be wearing these bad boys.

Smarmy Industry Anecdotes. IT’S IMPORTANT TO BE TALKING AS LOUD AS YOU CAN ABOUT YOUR AGENT/MANAGER SITUATION THE ENTIRE TIME YOU ARE HIKING IN THE CANYON. You want those cliffs to be echoing with the (let’s face it, likely Jewish) names of everyone on you management team and how shitty of a job they are doing for you. What if you run into another agent while on the hike who’s looking for fresh young talent but is willing to make an exception for you? You two could be laughing on the director’s commentary of your next big movie about this very moment some day.

Pretend Celebrity Disguise. There is a certain sad segment of Los Angeles that will always be starved for celebrity sightings. And what better way to feed the masses than by wearing a Pretend Celebrity Disguise? They’ll be thrilled they are seeing somebody, until they realize you’re nobody. The typical PCD consists of a low-worn baseball hat and sunglasses, a scarf, and a Venti Starbucks cup.

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Dan Eder, Remy Mattei, LA SURVIVAL GUIDE

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