Dear Lady Gaga Fan Club, In an age of ever soaring divorce rates we should celebrate love in whatever capacity humans experience it. You are valuable contributors to society and you do not deserve to be treated like outcasts. For these reasons I am very much in support of your right to marry, it is ridiculous that we deny you this basic privilege. Nevertheless I have little tolerance when you bitch about your plight because as a straight man I would gladly trade my right to marry if I could have your sex life. (Straight guys stay with me on this, I am about to present a moral dilemma on the magnitude of Sophie’s Choice -- a movie I realize you probably haven’t seen because there are no Terminators in it. And gay men before you disregard me as another misinformed "breeder" consider that I've been immersed in your culture for over two years studying your ways. If gay men were chimpanzees and West Hollywood the forests of Tanzania then I would be Jane Goodall.) To return to my proposal, I shudder to imagine a world where even after scoring the girl of my dreams I would be denied the right to marry her. The idea is truly callous. But I would pay that price in a heartbeat if I could go to a free online dating site, “Wink” at whichever girls struck me, and have guilt free anonymous sex with one of them the same evening.

Gay men this is your dirty secret, you are living my sexual nirvana every day and you don’t even appreciate it. You can get ass with the same level of effort it takes me to order a pizza and hot wings, and you aren’t expected to tip. And the most wondrous part of all, the gay mating ritual is usually bidirectional: you pursue and are pursued. In other words if I lived your sex life girls would be coming at me like my dick was made of Jonas Brothers. Not only are my gay friends’ inboxes full of filthy propositions but they can go to a club, look good dancing, make out with everyone, and have meth-fueled tantric bathroom stall sex by 11:30. And let’s not forget about their after-parties. When last call rolls around and I’m going home with a phone number like I’m James Dean they’re popping viagra and worrying how many people they will already know at this orgy. I’m not as knowledgeable of the ways of the lesbian but from what can tell they are just as ferocious as gay men. I even know some girls that had group sex after a baby shower, it was as if they needed to ritually cleanse themselves after partaking in an institution of heterosexuality. Gays I want what you have.

I don’t even want to commit myself to one woman for eternity! Please can we trade? Or at the very least, the next time you bemoan your lack of civil rights, please just think about all of the lies I have to convey to a girl before she’ll let me tap that. You probably think threesomes grow on trees, you lucky sons of bitches. Yours truly, Straight Guy

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