10 Ways To Be More Positive!
1. Love yourself. This is the number one rule of thumb for living a positive life. You must love yourself before you can love anyone else!
2. Love others. Naturally, this comes next. Just make sure not to ever love anyone as much as you love yourself. If you think you might, get rid of them! They’re just being selfish.
3. Assume the best in others. Except if they’re being selfish in the aforementioned context. Otherwise, try and remember people do their best, even if they don’t know about all of our little secrets of positivity. But make sure not to share those secrets with them. They’re secrets, after all.
4. Always imagine the best possible outcome. This is sort of like The Secret, but not, because everyone knows The Secret is a whacky nutjob thing, and we are definitely not whacky nutjobs and definitely completely normal, well-adjusted and productive members of society and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
5. Give yourself one compliment in the mirror each day. Have a full conversation with yourself if need be. Remember, the person in the mirror is just you, except in an alternate, negative universe. Ensure that when you blink, your mirrored image blinks as well. If they don’t, they’re not actually you, but a demon that must be exorcised. Proceed accordingly.
6. Be confident. Confidence is the way. The only way. Do not fault, for you must remain positive. There is no choice. This road has already been paved for you, your destiny carved into the flesh of The Eternal Ox. Confidence is key!
7. Life is a challenge. Embrace it. And by challenge, we mean it’s literally the Hunger Games. It’s a dog eat dog world, and if you don’t murder Stacy from Finance, she’s definitely going to murder you first! Just be conspicuous. Embrace the challenge! Consume her soul!
8. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are God, after all. Everyone else the Red Blooded Wraith. Do not obey. Do not ignore. Fight. Rule. Conquer. Positivity is Life. Life is Death. Death to Science!
9. Set small goals and accomplish them. The Jews. The Media. The Ruling Class. These are all small goals. Sanctus Satanas, Sanctus – Dominus Diabolus Sabaoth. Satanas – venire! Satanas – venire!
10. Have fun!
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