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An Extended Ad for Christian Mingle

Are you looking to find the soul mate that God intended you to spend the rest of eternity with? Are you sick of other dating sites that promote one-night-stands, premarital sex, flings, and the inclusion of queers? Do you simply need one more area of your life in which to feel morally superior to those around you? If so, then Christian Mingle is for you.

At Christian Mingle, we’re not just any old dating site. We’re looking to match good Christian folk with other good Christian folk. And by that, we mean we’re looking to match virgins by choice with virgins who use their so-called faith as a crutch for why they never got laid in college. We’re looking to match people who dislike those who are different because they’re considered less righteous with people who dislike those who are different simply because they’re different! We’re looking to match socially-inept losers who claim nobody likes them because they believe in God, not because they criticize others for having any sort of fun whatsoever, with socially-adept sorority-types who went through a really slutty phase in college and now feel really pretty guilty about it. If that sounds like something you’re interested in, then Christian Mingle is for you.

Christian Mingle sorts you by geography, level of faith, and denomination. That’s right: even by denomination. So have no fear, Western-European-descended-Catholic, we’d never think to match you with one of those obnoxiously soulful Southern Baptist types! When it boils down to it, Christian Mingle is about sameness. If you’re not interested in dating outside of your very narrow religious viewpoint, why in God’s name (pun very much intended!) would you want to date outside of your class or race, either? If you join Christian Mingle, we promise you’ll end up dating someone just like your sister. But not actually. Unless you’re into that (Mormons, we’re looking at you!).

The number one complaint our users have about other dating sites is the prevalence of loose morals. As you know, sex between consenting adults is only appropriate once you’re both wearing pretty little bits of rock that you bought for one another on your fingers, and on Christian Mingle, we respect that. Do you ever dream about your husband trying to aggressively finger you before you’re physically prepared because he doesn’t know anything about the female reproductive system and foreplay? Or maybe you imagine a blowjob that, isn’t it so darn cute, actually involves a blowing action? How about a man’s unspoken desire to experiment with anal play that through constant external shaming leads him to eventually sexually molest your dog, before being caught (he definitely wanted to be caught because the guilt was too much for him to handle) and breaking down into tears and having a moment of clarity where he realizes your entire belief system is a sham and the real path to happiness is genuine love and openness? If so, Christian Mingle is definitely for you.

So don’t wait. Sign up today! God has already chosen one single soul mate for you, and despite all statistical likelihood that he or she is living somewhere in Asia, we bet they’re actually living in the town over! Isn’t God great?

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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