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ADULTS LIVING WITH BRACES

We live in a diverse and multicultural society, and of all the interesting subcultures there are, one stands out the most for me: Adults Living with Braces. These people – hereafter abbreviated to ALBs – walk the streets in broad daylight, often attempting to coexist with the remainder of society, yet to this day have not gained universal acceptance amongst the general population. Recently, however, I unwittingly involved myself in a small-scale research endeavor on these rare and arguably exotic people: I had sexual intercourse with an adult woman living with braces. Let it be known that back in high-school many years ago I had a brief relationship with her, pre-braces. Having since moved away, she was in town and it seemed only fitting that we catch up. Unbeknownst to me, however, was that my date was not only with her, but also with the bear trap set up in her mouth. While attempting to maintain a level of academic integrity in my vocabulary selection, I must say that it was absolutely ballshittingly terrifying, and all the while mesmerizing. It was sort of like Jaws meets Terminator but with decent tits. At the ripe age of 21, her fair skin and wavy brown hair only served to better frame her oral scrap-yard. As we were out for dinner, I felt that an opportunity to view her interacting with metal cutlery was far too good to pass up: I was thinking medieval sword-fighting sound-effects type shit.

While her consumption methods were surprisingly usual, I managed to slam a few drinks back so as to look beyond her disability and in turn appear more compassionate to the patrons around us: sort of like babysitting a little retarded kid, or something. Shortly thereafter, we were in my bedroom. My investigative research in terms of ALB’s sexual practices was stunted by my own personal fears. To be blunt, I was not going to stick my dick into a mouth full of jagged metal just for the sake of science. Furthermore, I have heard the term “carrot-peeler” used in describing ALB fellatio, which was enough research for me. The sexual intercourse itself was rather standard, though her mouth was sort of like Bits and Bites snack mix: each kiss brought forth a different combination of her entire day’s food intake. I have also concluded that no matter how affectionately one may phrase it, ALBs do not appreciate being called “braceface” – especially when you’re cumming onto their back. We have since remained in contact, and I think about her every day when I look at the count-down on my desktop to the day those pecker-wreckers come off. In fact, I encourage others to embrace these people as useful and potentially beneficial members of our society. Much like a Swiss Army Knife, they have many uses: opening beer bottles, peeling vegetables, receiving AM/FM radio signals and potentially revolutionizing the circumcision.

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