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ADDICTED TO BLOG STATS

I can't help it. I started a new blog and now -- every hour -- I check Google Analytics to see if my total visitors for the day went from 4 to 5. Pretty much only my friends on Facebook and my family know about the blog at this point, but here I am, every hour, assuming I'm about to go viral. The only comfort I have is that I know I'm not alone. In a world of user generated content, many users spend more time checking how many hits their YouTube rant on Soulja Boy got vs. time spent thinking about their opinion before pressing "record." Likewise with podcasting, if that's still a thing anymore. Many podcasts have more on-air hosts than listeners, but they're keeping their fingers crossed the ratio will change, in spite the fact that there are already four billion movie review/gossip podcasts. Hey, someone's gotta be four billion and one. Right now, I'm in Analytics looking at the search traffic I've gotten in the past month. I've received about 50 visitors from Google searches. I can see what keywords they were searching for, what percentage of them are new visitors, and the average amount of time they spend on the site. It's fascinating data, which deserves a lot of careful analysis.

...at least, it would be fascinating, if all the searchers didn’t immediately leave my site after viewing one page. Apparently people searching for the phrases "boob videos" and "best sex bomb.com" didn’t find much use for my post on why I’d make a good Ninja Turtle. Damn it, I’m not converting the porn demo! I really have to tear myself away from Google Analytics. It’s a big timesink. However, like all the stat addicts out there, I can’t get over the opinion that my blog, unlike the millions of others out there, is special. Very special! That it’ll get the attention it deserves, just so long as I keep carefully monitoring my progress. Hilariously, my blog would probably be better written if I took the time I spend idling away in Google Analytics and put it into writing posts. It also makes sense that a heroin junkie would have a better life if they stopped shooting heroin, but that kind of logic doesn’t affect the mind of addicts. I’m going to have to quit cold turkey, at least until my blog is popular enough to warrant my obsessive tracking. Of course, how will I know when my blog is popular unless I use Analytics? ...I’d better check it right now, just in case.

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